A painter's game - Tom Kaulitz

Landing in hell again

I opened my eyes.

My whole body was weak and cold. My eyes were droopy and sore. It was blurry. When I sat up, it felt like I was going to collapse. My body was cold and heavy. It felt like I had woken up from the dead, no I felt already dead.

I looked at my hands. They were pale and cold. I looked around me and noticed that I was in my room. My eyes welled up and I felt a cold tear run down my cheek. The last thing I saw before collapsing was a strange man on top of me. I could still feel his touch against my skin. I crumbled up in my bed as I sobbed. I had no idea what day it was or where they were. I hadn't seen Tom since he sat with Bill and drank.

I couldn't stop shivering as my whole body ache. I held my arms around my legs and cried.

I felt as I wanted to collapse again. To feel the pain and disappear.

I don't know what's worse, being touched in ways no one ever wants to be touched, or the marks that it leaves behind, the hands that I feel between my thighs, when they're no longer able to harm me. I want to forget, but I can't. How could I be able to forget something that was carved into my skin. With the purpose to stay forever.

Something inside me was broken. And it couldn't be healed.

The pain from his touch on my skin would never go away. It can never be erased.

I heard as someone walked up the stairs.

I looked up slowly as the tears streamed down my face and my hands around my legs.

I saw Bill panting. His hands on his mouth as his eyes teared up from seeing me.

I was happy to see him. But I couldn't react. I couldn't smile or move. I just cried, I couldn't stop.

He panted as he walked closer.

"Oh god, Eselin.." he sobbed.

He walked up to me as he didn't know what to say.

I looked up at him with my pleading eyes, I couldn't bare it anymore, the pain.

"I'm so happy you're alive.." he said as he went in for a hug.

I flinched away but before I said anything, his arms was around mine.

I didn't know why but his touch made me ache. It wasn't about him. I couldn't imagine something touch me again.

He noticed I didn't like it, he pulled away with a sorrowed face.

I felt bad for not accepting his hug.. I wanted to hug him but I couldn't. I didn't want to.

"Am I supposed to be grateful.. for surviving this.." I cried. I wasn't angry at him, but at myself.

Him seeing my words made his eyes well up.

"Life may not be a trophy for surviving that but. You are worth being loved, and I feel like I'm going to fix this, I don't know what to say but I know that I want you here, with us." He said, trying to comfort me.

I tried to give that smile again, but it wasn't the same. I felt comforted by his words, it meant a lot to me. But my mind was to blurry to take it in.

I felt happy that bill was there, being safe. But that also reminded me of Tom.. where was he?

"Take me to Tom, bill, I need to see him. I need to tell him!" I was able to let out under my sobs.

"I don't... I don't know where he is.. he didn't tell me" he said with a worried face.

What did he mean he didn't know.. I needed to see him! I thought. I wasn't mad at bill. I just felt I needed to see him.

I felt more and more worried about the thought.

I placed a hand on his shoulder as I got up. Feeling the weight of my body and tremble in my legs. They were sore and weak.

He held my arms as he helped me up.

I wanted to cry from the pain but I got myself together.

I quickly went to the wardrobe and looked for anything to wear. I grabbed the quickest pants and shirt I could find. I put them on as they touched my skin. The material was rough and I cringed from the feeling of it on my body.

Before I walked down the stairs. I looked at bill.

"Thank you." I whispered.

He nodded and smiled.

I ran down the stairs to meet Mary. Her face shocked as she saw me on my legs, alive.

"Oh my god.. Are you okay?" She asked.

"I-I need to find him." I said before running towards the hallway. Not listening to what she said. My mind was just focusing on Tom.

"Wait! Eselin!" She screamed but I was already out of the door.

It was cold and foggy outside. I had no idea what time it was or day, but I did not care.

I ran to the garage. His car was gone. The red one.

There was a black car there, I guessed it was bills. I dragged open the door as I hopped inside of the car. I slammed the door.

The car key was already plugged in the car, it made things easier. I inhaled.

I could still smell his scent.

I sighed and started the goddamn car.

I drove away in a heartbeat. My mind was blurry and I couldn't stop worrying. I had no idea where he could've been. I didn't focus on the road, just Tom.

I ignored all the Stop signs. I just wanted to find him. I remembered the way to the club..

My heart was racing as I got more near it.

I slowed down once I got there. I could see it was closed. My heart was skipping beats as it reminded me of the touch. The pain. I took a deep breath as I walked closer to the door.

My hand was now almost touched the handle. My hands shake, I wasn't ready.. I wasn't ready to go into that place again. It reminded me too much.

But my hand reached the handle. I turned it.

I pulled the door.