It's been Four days past since I went to the local police station after being physically assaulted in a relationship I never wanted in the first place. That day when I awoke, still in the same household I felt like I had to make excuse after excuse, guard my actions and make sure to always tread carefully about what I had in mind.
Deal with consequences I never signed up for asking for permission to go be an individual, to be myself. It still feels surreal, I still feel uneasy. Very unaware of what consequences I had to endure and go through to make day to day living much easier for myself. On that very unpredictable Saturday I never thought I would have that plan of action but something was telling me to not continue how I'd be living for the past two years. Living to make excuses and not by myself around the new friends that had come and gone so swiftly, like a blink they were here, and another blink they were gone.
No time for activities for myself, no time to enjoy the fresh air, "time to stop and smell the roses", so to speak. So Saturday happened and I could not stop thinking about it, I made my body very ill, ill enough that even my boss had taken one look at me, and with the same blink as the moment he saw me, used the same exact breath to send me home sick. I'd felt nauseous and had no control of whether or not bodily fluids were going to come out of me or not. I'd stay around at work sipping water, hopeful that I was going to and go back into work to continue the rest of my shift that day.
I had no other thoughts that were telling me to stay in the household I was in. I was going to the police station to cut it off at the pass, not knowing the consequences that were to come, not knowing what it would do to my life. It's been upside down since that Tuesday! On that day an hour after I got sent home, waiting in the police station, describing the start, the middle and the end of the relationship, the officer in question had me read back my own statement, I was shaking like a nervous chihuahua. As I stated my name, and my age to the police officer, he told me to read back the statement that was made in my own head. As I was reading, my mentality broke down, and as I got further down into the statement, I started to try not to cry. It was too late, as I read everything from top to bottom I had no control over the tears forming in my eyes. I'm still not aware of the verdict nor do I want anything to do with it, it was done and as I'd been told, the hardest part was over.
I believed that during the week, but as days passed, I still do not know where to start on my own individual journey. My own life, no excuses to make on where I am going, no long winded explanations of why I wanted to do a certain particular thing that crossed my mind that was the passing of a feather in the wind, a mind full of ADHD thoughts, a mind full of walking on egg shells to make one side of the relationship happier than the other, putting my own needs in the bin and in the past. As the thoughts roam my head while typing this I am indeed still struggling. Four days after the event of the Police station and being so scared to go anywhere else but somewhere nobody knew about.
As I am still undecided, I have a lot to learn, as an individual, as a new person who has unlocked the chains of freedom. I struggle doing a colouring page whether to put the background as a sunrise, or a sunset. Like a mind trapped in limbo. The past Four days I've been catching up on movies, shows I have missed, people I need to catch up with, events I've missed. The haunting colouring page in my peripheral vision still unfinished. I've been told that it's a new chapter, but my brain in its subconscious, still hasn't decided and I don't want to rush a work of art, "patience" I keep telling myself, "you will finish it." I hope to figure out soon what to do with the rest of my life, or else I will just be in limbo, scared to move out of my comfort zone, scared to continue with what time I have left.
