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CHAPTER EIGHTEEN ( Sheep's Skin, Wolf's Clothes )
SOMETIMES, AHN SUHO thinks he is the unluckiest person in the world. Battered and bruised, his hands cannot hold what he yearns most for, ardently from the bottom of his soul since he was just an eleven-year-old boy with a small crush.
He would swallow the world if it meant getting to see Cha Jaehwa for just one more day, one more second, no matter how much it might tear him apart. Ahn Suho is a boy of certain values, and although they may waver and fall from time to time, his first priority is his grandmother. After that, it is Cha Jaehwa and her selfless nature, so quick to jump into problems where he is concerned, so quick to throw herself away if it means saving him.
( Her kind words on his cast are forever a treasure sitting in Suho's closet, even though she may think them shallow and insincere. Ahn Suho knows that her heart says what her lips no longer remember ).
It has been long months since his Cha Jaehwa, the one with a mean glare and soft fingers, has been taken from him. The world has returned her only recently, a jagged mess of glass shards that only Ahn Suho can piece back together. Or so he tells himself. Cha Jaehwa is still his best friend, no matter what she may be led to think. He prays that he is still hers, even amongst the tempest of sad puppy eyes and chapped lips that is Yeon Si-eun.
His grandmother learns not to bring up Jaehwa's coming over to the house after incessant nagging that she misses her granddaughter-in-law, misses her sharp tongue and warm heart. She knows, deep in her old and weathered heart, that Ahn Suho misses her infinitely more, to the point he would tear himself apart for her to finally look at him. The elderly woman knows better than to acknowledge his muffled sobs in the dead of night, or the mumble of a familiar name on his lips, cradling him to sleep as though they were children again, Cha Jaehwa's kind hand on his hair, coaxing him to sleep.
Cha Jaehwa leaves a lingering crater in their home, an empty chair where she once sat and enjoyed breakfast, lunch, and sometimes even dinner, pouring over books with the intention of teaching Ahn Suho how to solve problems and answer questions. They never really got around to fully studying, because Suho is a fickle creature, so easily distracted, and he stole Jaehwa's interest with ease.
Bitterness is the emotion that fills Ahn Suho when he stares at Cha Jaehwa, really looks at her. He can trace the lines of her smile millions of times, yet they never seem to align in the same way they spread widely when she is with Yeon Si-eun. For Ahn Suho, Jaehwa reserves something deeper, a small smile filled with bad memories and guilt.
( Ahn Suho is tired, tired, tired. He wants to bask in her light, not cause her pain ).
Being with Cha Jaehwa is like going on a rollercoaster while being hungover. The world spins, his heart races, and then he feels nauseous when his heart drops to his stomach at something either of them says. Walking on eggshells, having to watch his every word as though Jaehwa might decide she doesn't like Ahn Suho at all in this life - He doesn't think he can stand it any longer.
