Sixer (Gravity Falls)

Irrational Treasure

The twins and May sat inside Stan's car, munching on Corncornos. Stan leaned on the horn, growing increasingly impatient. Mabel had attached nachos from her chip bag to her ears.

"Ha-ha! Nacho earrings. I'm hilarious!" she announced.

"That's debatable," Stan grumbled. "Aw, come on, what's with all this traffic? And why is it all...covered wagons?" Suddenly, realization and horror struck him. "Oh no! No! No!" He pushed the gas pedal frantically. "Not today! Not today!"

A few women gasped as Stan nearly ran them over. He quickly threw the car into reverse, backing away with a sense of urgency.

"Grunkle Stan, what's going on?" Dipper asked, concern evident in his voice.

"Why does it smell so strongly of butterscotch?"  May added in confusion.

"We gotta get outta here... Before it's too late!" Stan's eyes widened as he saw their escape blocked by a group of covered wagons. "They've circled the wagons! We're trapped! NOOOOOOOOO!!"

Mabel, unfazed, looked out her window and saw a cow. "I've got a good feeling about today," she said cheerfully.

***

All four of the exited the car, finding themselves on an old-fashioned Main Street.

"Man, look at the town," Dipper remarked, holding up a postcard for a moment. When he lowered it, the town appeared in a sepia shade, revealed to be due to a pane of dirty glass.

A worker walked by, holding one end of the glass pane. "Dirty glass. We got dirty glass! Dirty glass."

Stan sighed. "Ah, boy. It's Pioneer Day. Every year these yahoos dress up like idiots to celebrate the day Gravity Falls was founded."

Toby Determined approached, dressed as a paperboy. "Welcome to 1863!" he greeted.

Stan, not in the mood for festivities, pulled up his left sleeve threateningly. "I will break you, little man!"

Toby yelped and ran away, only to crash into a barrel.

People were dipping candles, a sight that immediately caught Mabel's attention.

"Wow! Look! Candle dipping!" she exclaimed.

Nearby, people were panning for gold, including Old Man McGucket, who could be heard shouting, "Gold!"

"Whoa, gold panning!" Dipper marveled.

A priest stood before a man and a woodpecker, proclaiming, "I now pronounce you man and wife." The woodpecker pecked her husband's hand.

"Whoa...zoophilia?" May gagged. 

"I do!" the woodpecker guy responded enthusiastically.

Mabel looked perplexed. "What chu talking 'bout?"

Dipper pulled out Journal 3. "Oh yeah. I remember this. In Gravity Falls, it used to be legal to marry woodpeckers."

"Oh, it's still legal," the woodpecker guy interjected, placing a hand on his shoulder where the woodpecker perched. "Very legal." He walked away as the announcer's voice boomed.

"Come one and all for the opening ceremonies!"

Mabel turned to Stan. "Grunkle Stan, you coming?"

"No, thank you!" Stan replied. "Just remember, if you come back to the Shack talking like these people, you're dead to me!"

Dipper, adopting a Southern twang, said, "Thar's a carpetbagger in the turnip cellar!"

Mabel joined in. "Well, hornswabber my haversack!"