Carpe Noctem - Dead Poets Society

Chapter 4: Too close for comfort

Neither of them wanted to wake Charlie. Why would they? It was 2 am, actually 3:18, which is the kind of time that's either very early or very late. It depends on the person, really. Charlie was the kind of person who considered it nighttime, and Todd was the kind of person who considered it morning. See the difference? The point is, Charlie was asleep, and they were not.

The obvious solution would be to go to sleep, "but where?" Todd asked.

"You could just go to sleep in my bed, and I'll figure something out."

"I'm not letting you sleep on the floor," Todd murmured.

"Okay, how about this? We share my bed," Neil responded, taking off Todd's coat and hanging it on the back of a chair.

"Oh. Um... S-sure."

Neil didn't bother putting on a shirt, crawling into bed and moving closer to the wall.

"Come on then." He patted the spot next to him, and Todd carefully laid down.

"Uhh... Are you sure this is fine?"

"Yeah, 'course I'm sure. Why wouldn't this be fine?" Neil questioned, lying on his side.

"No- no reason. No reason at all," Todd replied quickly, his back facing Neil.

"Okay... If you say so."

Todd's face was red, very red. He couldn't understand why. Well, he could, but he didn't really want to. He'd been close to Neil hundreds of times before, what had changed? The answer was, they had kissed and confessed their love for each other. Another part to that answer was that Todd was still slightly scared of things. Maybe it wasn't the closeness, but the events of tonight?

He closed his eyes and slowed his breathing, like he always did. Not that it really worked, but there was the whole pretend until it's real thing going on. Most of the time, it didn't work. Tonight, however, was different. Very different. He calmed down, got himself under control, and was drifting off to sleep. He didn't expect to be able to do it so easily, but he was grateful that neither of them were sleeping on the floor. The redness was gone, instead replaced by the sense of comfort he'd been trying to find earlier that night, in this bed.

Now that it's regular person was back, so was that feeling of home.

Neil on the other hand, was relatively calm about this. He knew something was off with Todd, but he didn't want to press the matter. When he heard Todd's breathing slow down, a wave of relief washed over him. Whenever Todd was calm, it was like a breath of fresh air to Neil. Todd was very anxious, and Neil was the one who knew how to help. Neil was Todd's pillar, most of the time.

Except tonight.

Neil would've never let Mr. Keating adopt him if it wasn't for Todd. He wouldn't have stayed at Welton if it wasn't for Todd. He wouldn't have been alive if it wasn't for Todd. The thought is stuck in his head, over and over again.

Todd saved his life. Not his mother, not his father, not Mr. Keating, Todd.

He felt a bit like crying, now that he thought about it. That familiar lump in his throat and sting in his eyes that he'd learned how to hide years ago. That night, he didn't want to hide it. He was tired of hiding, so he stopped. He had been in that play, he had gone to the cave every meeting, he'd told Charlie. There were so many things he did, and so many things he didn't. Too many regrets threatening to boil over.

He wondered how it hadn't happened sooner - everything coming crashing down. His thoughts thrashed at the edges of his brain, what was once a calm ocean turning into a hurricane. At least, that's what it felt like. Neil had found that describing something using a metaphor was the best way to describe it. Maybe it was the play, or Mr. Keating's classes. Weaving the strands of poetry into his subconscious, the words that didn't make much sense then still not making much sense now, but giving themselves some meaning.