Toxic- A Sand And Ray Love Story

The end is only the beginning

Ray had been miserable without Sand. He tried seeking him out, and it was as if Sand knew. Of course, Sand knew Ray would seek him out. That's what Ray did. He pushed and pushed until he got his way, and usually, he did. With Sand, at least he did. This time around, Sand had been so angry yet so sad. The look on Sand's face that day said it all. He was done with Ray and all his bullshit.

Sand had been one of the people Ray had successfully pushed out of his life. The first person was his mother, who couldn't take any more of Ray's bullshit that she drank herself to death. The other person being Mew. Mew had been his lifeline when Ray had no other reason to live. And now that Ray sober for the first time in probably forever. Now that he thinks about it, maybe what he had felt for Mew wasn't love after all.

It was appreciation. It was knowing that someone out there cared enough to want him to keep living in this accursed world. It was knowing someone loved him just the way he was without seeking out any compensation. Even though that love had been platonic, it was love nonetheless.

Ray wasn't accustomed to being loved. He has never been loved, not really. Not even by the people who were supposed to love him the most. His mother despised him. She never said it out loud, but Ray knew. It was in the way she would look at him, with something like resentment, regret, and pure distance. Sometimes, fleetingly, Ray would see something like fondness there, and he would hold on to that. Hoping that one day, just maybe one day, that fondness will someday grow into something resembling love.

But that one day never came as he bared witness to his mother's cold, lifeless body lying on the ground with a bottle of some vintage alcohol next to her. She had made her choice, Ray realised. She had chosen death over spending one more minute breathing the same air as Ray. She had chosen death rather than spending one more minute, forcing herself to raise a child she clearly resented.

Ray doesn't blame her, though. He had spent 24 years trapped with himself, and at times, he too wished to get away from himself. In fact, he had tried one too many times. And every time Mew had been there for him, giving him a reason to hold on a little longer.

Ray knows his father tried. He knows his father doesn't love him, but at least he tried. Even though his way of trying was throwing money into Ray's face instead of actually spending time with Ray like any good father out there but at least he tried. Maybe his father resented Ray, too. Ray's existence was after all the downfall on his mother. Had Ray not been born, maybe his mother would still be alive.

But his father tried, and still is trying. After Ray failed to relocate Sand despite the amount of money he spent on private investigators. Ray almost had the same fate as the woman who bore him. He drank every day, almost every minute of every waking hour. His father had practically begged him to get help. Promised to give anything and everything if Ray would just go to rehab and sober up.

His father promised him to take him to the best facility money can buy, just so he would be comfortable during his journey to sobriety. So that was love, wasn't it? It wasn't your conventional type of love expressed in words, hugs, and head pats, but it was love nonetheless. If his father didn't love him, he would have probably given up on Ray. He would've let Ray waste his life away.

Ray was sobre now. 4 months out of rehab and four and half months without touching alcohol. And his father was still trying. Maybe he did love Ray, or maybe he was just feeling guilty. Whatever it was, Ray was thankful. His father would make time to have dinner with him at least once a week. His father has even agreed to family therapy with him once a month. Which was good. Two sessions in, and Ray is starting to understand his father in a way, and he hopes his father at least understands him now.

Ray had also managed to fix things with Mew and Cheum. Even though he had to begrudgingly accept Top as part of their lives now because Mew had forgiven that bastard for his treacherous ways. Nick had somehow managed to become part of their group in the mist of all that was happening with Ray that he missed it. Nick was kind, Ray realised now that he got to observe him sobre minded. He was a little scheming but overall was a nice guy. Too bad Boston didn't see that, or maybe he did.