Toxic- A Sand And Ray Love Story

almost over you

Sand was fed up, and Sand was tired. After he found out that Ray had gone back to drugs and alcohol he couldn't do it anymore. He loved Ray, but he really did, but he couldn’t do this anymore. He couldn't keep being on this rollercoaster ride, not knowing when he was going to be up and when he was going to be down. It was not how he wanted to live his life.

The problem with Sand was that he knew that when he loved someone, he would give his all to them. Become a good little dog, faithful to their master but not anymore. After he came back home to find Ray drugged out of his mind, he gave him an altimatum the next day when Ray was slightly sober. It's either he goes to therapy or he cuts him out of his life.

And he meant real therapy, the type where Ray will be in a confined space for several months until he gets his shit together.

"I don't need therapy, Sand. It was just one time, I promise I won't drink or do any substances anymore, okay? Trust me." Ray had said with those big bright brown eyes of his that were always Sand's weakness.

"Ray! I am serious. If you don't do this, then I am afraid I can't be part of your life anymore." Sand had said willing himself not to be distracted by melted chocolate brown eyes.

"Sand!" Ray whined like he always did when he wasn't getting his way.

"Ray! If you ever cared about me, you will do this." Sand had said, making Ray frown.

"Are you actually emotionally me now?" Ray had asked, looking affronted.

"See it how you want to see it, Ray." Sand had replied.

"It's not a fucking big deal Sand. I am young and newsflash people my age do that kind of stuff." Ray had replied making Sand's blood boil.

What the hell does Ray mean it's not a big deal. The first time they met after months Ray had been high out of his mind not even recognising who Sand was and yet still allowed Sand to take him home. What if it had been someone with nefarious intent? The second time Ray had been also high out of his mind so drugged out he could've easily overdosed and yet he says it's not a big deal?

Heck the first time they ever met Ray had been as drunk as a skunk and willing himself to drive in that condition. Had it not been for Sand Ray would have driven in that condition, got into an accident and killed himself or someone else. As a matter of fact he had gotten into an accident and hurt his arm. Yet it's not a big deal?

"Fuck you Ray! You know how many times you could've died because of your habit? Just last night you could have overdosed and you are saying it's not a big deal?" Sand shouted, because he was angry.

He was angry that Ray viewed his life as meaningless to the point that he lived it so recklessly. He was angry that Ray treated himself like he was worthless whereas Sand held him in high regards despite everything that has happened. He was angry at Ray and maybe at himself for indulging Ray in his behaviour, for always allowing Ray to have his way. Well not anymore, not this time.

"Aren't you overreacting?" Ray had asked.

"You know what? Fuck you. I am done. I am done with all this shit. Go to therapy or don't. I don't fucking care anymore. Whatever this was between us. It's over. Don't call me, don't text me and don't try to seek me out either Ray. Live your life. I don't care anymore." Sand had said. Although half of it was not true. He did care, he cared a lot but he was done.

Sand was done with everything concerning Ray. He had a dream before, a dream to travel the world and attend every music festival under the sun. He wanted to experience different cultures and just live in the moment and actually enjoy his life. Yet Ray happened and before he knew it he was sucked into this consuming wormhole of toxicity. A wormhole of sleepless nights and unfounded jealousy. A wormhole of competing for Ray's affection with either Mew, the alcohol or the fucking drugs.

Sand didn't even know if Ray loved him, or even cared about him or if Ray was just feeding off of him like the addict he was. Maybe Ray was addicted to the affection and attention Sand gave to him and never once saw Sand as a person. It would make sense wouldn't it? From day one Ray had been seeking Sand's attention and riling him up.

Sand wanted to help Ray. He wanted more than anything to see Ray healthy and happy but then Sand realised that you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped and consequently you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. As much as he wanted to save Ray from the self destructive lifestyle he was living, as much as he wanted to save Ray from himself. He realised he couldn't because Ray doesn't want to be saved.

"Sand... you don't mean that." Ray had said, voice low and soft... almost vulnerable. It made Sand's heart ache and he wanted nothing more than to wrap Ray into his arms and tell him that yes. He didn't mean any of it but he couldn’t. He couldn't keep going in a circle stuck in this limbo of Ray promising to change, of him promising to be better only for him to go back and do the same shit he said he wouldn't anymore.

"I do. I am done Ray. Goodbye." Sand had said. The words had been painful to say because he didn't want to leave Ray but staying wouldn't have been much more too painful. For the both of them.

"Don't do this. Please Sand. Please don't leave me. I promise I will go to therapy. I will do it okay just promise not to leave me. Please." Ray had said grabbing on to his arm. Beautiful brown eyes glassy with unshed tears.

"I am sorry Ray..." Sand had said extracting himself from Ray and finally walking away. This time without any intention of ever going back or even looking back. He was fed up and he was done with everything and anything associated with Ray.

Sand left that day with Ray's cries echoing in the background. He left with his heart aching and unshed tears of his own, but he needed to put himself first. He can't play a knight in a shining armour, always saving the demsil in distress anymore. Not if, while saving someone else, it was destroying him too.

Sand acknowledged that he had a saviour complex. That he was the type of person who could give all his oxygen so that people could breathe. That he would always offer up his shoulder so that others could cry upon. That he offer constant shelter and a bed to keep others warm. Yet in return all he would get is heartache in return.

Sand has time and time again gave away all his energy and tried to take others pain away. He was the type of person who would rescue a stranger just because they needed saving. It was just his nature or maybe it was because of how he was raised but whatever it was. He was done with it all. So now before he could think about saving anyone else, he has to save himself.

It has been months since he had last seen or heard about Ray. He had moved all the way to Chang Mai and was planning on going to London for a year or two and then maybe go to Australia. After that he will go wherever the wind takes him.

Ray had become a ghost of someone he once knew. Sand doesn't even have anyone to talk to because everyone either has forgotten about Ray and moved on or no one around him even know who Ray is. The irony of the situation is that Sand has become a musician who spends his time in silence because when he listens to his favourite bands, now all he hears and all he sees is Ray.

Nick had said that all he needs is time and truly hopes he is right. Maybe Nick is right. He did manage to get over that bastard Boston after all.

So Sand spends time watching lonely days pass by trying to live without Ray's smile. Even if it took a while he was almost over Ray. The memories in his mind were like wilted rose petals. Dead and dry, losing one petal at a time.

Ray was ingrained deep with his bones and tattooed under his skin. He might have been his one true love, as broken, twisted and toxic as it was Sand was thankful to have had the opportunity to have loved someone like that.

He was almost over Ray. He was almost over looking at his pleading iridescent brown eyes. Almost over how Ray's hand felt clutched to his and almost over looking for his car every time he drove.

It was a hard couple of months, but finally, just a few months before he left Thailand, he was almost over Ray.
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Thank you for reading!!! Can anyone guess which Jeff Satur song inspired me to write this chapter after so many many months? 🥺👀