𝑹𝒊𝒔𝒉𝒊𝑵𝒂𝒌𝒔𝒉𝒂𝒕𝒓𝒂.

⁠༶⁠ ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ 𝟷𝟽 ⁠༶⁠

So, I am here. Sitting in a bridal attire only to get ready for entering the hell which I've decided for myself with my own hands.

Kya kami reh gayi thi mere pyaar mein, jo aaj yeh sab sehna pad raha hai? Kya maine pyaar karke galati kar di? Nahi, chahe kuch bhi ho lekin ye nahi ho sakta. Mera pyaar kabhi galat nahi ho sakta. Kabhi nahi.

Wiping the tears which were continuously flowing through my eyes, I walked down towards the mandap which was decorated with the white and red colour flowers. Screaming richness and royalty. Anyone else would've dreamt of marrying the love of their life at such a beautiful place. But, I had never. Nahi karni mujhe yeh shaadi. Kyu karu mein iss insaan se shaadi jo khud insaan kehne ke laayak hi na bacha ho?

Taking slow steps towards the Agni kund, I stood beside him only for him to forward his hand asking mine in his. I was hesitant after that incident. I'm not safe with him. What an irony! Once upon a time he was my comfort zone, my safest place, my lifeline and now, now I don't feel safe and comfortable with him. Not even for a second.

Noticing my hesitance, he grabbed my bandaged palm into his large one forcefully making me wince in pain.

It was my mehendi ceremony. My family and him. We all were accomodating his villa for all the pre-marriage rituals.

"Mam, kya naam likhna hai?" The mehendi artist asked me.

"Kuch nahi bus 'R' likh do." I replied. I don't even want to apply the mehendi of his name.

"Aisa kyu meri hone wali biwi?" I heard his deep dangerous voice, demanding an answer from me.

"Nahi, vo-vaisa vaisa kuch na-hi." Why the hell was I stuttering?

He grabbed my palm forcefully smearing all the freshly applied mehendi. The mehendi artist left the place as per his order only to leave me alone with him.

He took out a needle from his pocket and fear crept up to my mind.

The next moment a painful scream left my mouth. He dug the needle through the skin of my palm carving his name there. The blood flowing mixed with the mehendi.

"Yaad rakhna jyada hoshiyari ki toh isse bhi badtar haal bana rakhunga." He warned and left without paying heed to my crying self.

I managed to hide my tears throughout the event. Which was really a difficult task. It was paining like hell.

Tears formed in my eyes but they hid well behind the veil. He pulled me down forcefully before the rituals started. Tears were continuously flowing down my cheeks but I could help less.

It was the time for saat phere. The seven vows which were exchanged during this holy ritual for the purpose of living a happy and healthy married life being with each other while supporting eachother, loving each other and fulfilling all the duties and responsibilities together.

But are they really worth in this marriage? Will we be able to fulfill these vows? Will he ever love me again? All these questions took over my mind.

We completed the saptapadi around the Agni kund.

The priest asked him to tie the mangalsutra around my neck and to fill my partition with sindoor.

I was shocked to notice the same mangalsutra in his hands which I had noticed while we were hanging out with each other back then when we were together.

Simple, yet beautiful!

I looked into his eyes searching for something which I yearned for since he came back. But, to my dismay I found nothing. Not even a glimpse of it.

He tied the mangalsutra in my neck, officially claiming me as his. As soon as the sindoor fell on the tip of my nose, I heard "You both are now husband and wife. Take blessings from the elders to start your new journey." It felt so odd. Those words had no effect on our lives. Everything changed. And now nothing can be brought back to its place.

My thoughts were interrupted when he dragged me towards my parents clutching my wrist in his rough fist. My parents were happy to see me getting married though they were emotional enough to not let me go with him.

After taking their blessings my mom took me in her embrace as tears made their way through her eyes. But no tears escaped from my eyes. All of them had dried away. I had wasted them on this man who doesn't even consider me as a human being. Whom I had once loved and I still do and I will always no matter what. Because my love will never lose against him. Never ever!

Just as always he dragged me out of my own house forcefully. Why am I being treated like this? As if I would've murdered one of his family members. Why? I don't even know what my fault is, let alone be correcting it.

I sat inside the car which will be taking me to a place which I had always yearned to go with my Ish. Though my wish is fulfilled, it doesn't matter anymore.

He sat beside me while closing the door with a loud thud. I still hope that he'll look into my eyes with his blue green ones filled with love. He'll take me in his warm embrace. He'll soothe me while caressing my back. He'll play with my hair inhaling my scent and kiss me senselessly showing his love and desire towards me. What a fool I am! I've made myself.

As the car started, my nervousness reached its peak. It was a long route from Mumbai to Rajasthan. A place where I will live with him as his wife but I'll never be his wife.