paronomases

bathroom floor

tw : suicide, automutilation.

i wrote this text a couple of months ago, now i got better. hope you all are okay, don't hesitate to talk to your friends and family, take care of yourself <3

i've been sitting on the bathroom floor for hours
cutting myself but my skin is so hard
to separate, as if she got used to be hurt
by all the hands, all the times i let them touch me,
all the times my own killed my soul.

i've been sitting on the bathroom floor
listening to same song on repeat
i can't either get up or stop the music
or i feel like i would literally die in my silence
i don't why i want to die
when i just spent a great weekend
while i have all i need
why am i not able to heal?

are my scars defining what i am?
who i am?
at the end of the day
is it just them and i?
i don't have a body anymore
i feel like i have a corpse
scars and pain and depression
living inside me, outside me, instead of me,
as if they were me.

and i think, think without ever stopping that fucking storm, it's quiet but definitely too much, it's terrifying that silent storm inside me, i've never felt it before. i'm not used to it.
it's been two years
two years, two me apart
but i feel like i'm just dying
why couldn't i kill myself?

i can't live like that anymore
i can't keep on living as if i wanted to end my life up.

- espérance, may 20th, 2024.