The 2022-2023 Film Journal Entry #73: "Jingle All the Way"

The 2022-2023 Film Journal Entry #73: "Jingle All the Way"

The 2022-2023 Film Journal Entry #73

By Xavier E. Palacios

"Jingle All the Way"

2.5 out of 5

Directed by Brian Levant

Rated PG

Howard Langston, a workaholic father who neglects his son, Jamie, works to make up for his recent mistakes by buying his boy an action figure of his favorite television hero, Turbo-Man. However, Turbo-Man is currently every child's hero, and so the toy has long been sold out. Thus, on Christmas Eve, Howard, with fierce competition, like the postman and fellow father, Myron, braves the city to find Jamie his biggest Christmas present wish and regain his son's affections.

I knew this Arnold Schwarzenegger all-ages comedy would probably be a bad film. But the flick was available to me, tis the season, and I want to keep pushing myself out of my comfort zones, so I flipped the film on. I am not surprised that I am giving a poor reception to this film. Jingle All the Way is loud, somewhat obnoxious, not very funny, not particularly entertaining, and best suitable to play in the background on television when one is baking Christmas cookies, (though I can think of far better films for such an occasion). In other words, the film is exactly what it is, and I have no ill will towards the tale.

There are some generally funny bits in the film that did make me laugh. Most of them involved Schwarzenegger, whose oddness as an actor I discussed earlier this cinematic year in Conan the Barbarian and, ever since I saw him as the fearsome T-800 in The Terminator when I was twelve-years-old, continues to fascinate me. In fact, represented best when Howard is watching a kid run off with his lottery ball in a mall through the glass of an elevator window, powerless to stop her, the best laughs from the piece come from some cleverly constructed visual moments. I also appreciate what the film is trying to go for. A strict criticism of insane consumerism, which is torturously common place today thanks to the Morgothian Machine, and a lesson on valuing the things that come from the heart rather than from a stupid piece of plastic. Phil Hartman of The Simpsons fame is in this film, and his presence is an automatic gift for a Simpsons fan like myself. The absurd ending is ridiculous but entertaining, and this Turbo-Man parade costume is the closest any of us DC Comics fans will ever get to seeing a live-action Adam Strange; bonus points, I suppose.

Oh, and Schwarzenegger literally punches a reindeer in the face. I repeat: Arnold Schwarzenegger punches a gosh dang reindeer in the fricking face. So, I am happy.

Otherwise, this flick is a 1996 all-ages Christmas comedy film starring the T-800 himself. I believe anyone, even those not born in that decade, can easily, exactly deduce the film's content and why I give this "bad" film my low rating without any negativity. To be honest, my actual problem with the film is that I thought, going into the piece, that Myron was going to team up with Howard in a temporary alliance to scour the city for this toy for their kid, knowing only one of them could succeed . Instead, Myron is a very mean-spirited, aggressive, and unlikeable character who is constantly at Howard's throat, long before he threatens Jaimie's life. Forgive me, too, if seeing him make bomb threats in public places in a PG-film rings uncomfortable to me in this day and age for obvious reasons.

I feel Jingle All the Way would have been funnier and better if the two dads were forced to unite, at least until the inevitable betrayal. The audience could have rooted for them as they faced down the bowels of the capitalistic dungeons known as toy stores during December, (which I know about from personal experience). To this end, I really feel the tale would have been more meaningful if the film was less an all-ages comedy and more of an adult comedy, (and not because I was imagining, though I appreciate Schwarzenegger, what the film would be like if Glen Howerton of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia fame played the leading role). Consider: what child could laugh at the tale of this dad suffering a shopping quest from hell for a stupid toy? Why would they find such a story funny? Adults, however, can understand and empathize with the whole idea of this film as the conflict is what they, and some unfortunate adolescents, alone endure. These more crass jokes and situations would have felt less awkward, at least. Oh, well: the film is fine as is, and I do not deny the flick's place in holiday film cannon.

However.

On this last note, I have a serious question to ask; a sidenote that has nothing strictly to do with this film. I have been pondering this mystery for decades and I can no longer ignore the topic. Ahem: why do most Christmas movies suck?

Why is Jingle All the Way accepted as a staple holiday film despite the piece obviously being bad? Why is this poor flick defended as a piece of Christmas cheer yet God forbid anyone say a good thing about the supposedly awful Haunted Mansion film several months ago? The answer is forced nostalgic love through repeated, manufactured TV re-runs that instill strict loyalty to this kind of hogwash. Hence why Rankin & Bass' Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer, with that truly heinous Santa Claus, still gets to exist in the popular conscious while the much better The Town That Santa Forgot TV special has been lost into obscurity.

To which I say, fine, whatever. To be honest, there is a lot of Christmas garbage I love turning on as background noise during this time of year. Heck, some of trash I unironically like, (I like Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas, accept it). Part of the charm of Christmas movies is their shlocky awfulness, like laughing at awkward but loveable old scrapbooks and yearbooks. I will not be called a monster or a snob for saying most Christmas films suck, but I also totally understand why people still love and watch these films every December, (even if I did not do the same). Yet my question is more one of creative fascination than critical ranting.

When one thinks of Christmas movies, they think of the literal, writhing hordes of flicks just like Jingle All the Way, and I have always wondered why Christmas films are made to be poor and people accept them as such. Christmas is an inherently mythical, magical holiday. From the visual aesthetic to the themes to even the stories within the story of the holiday, Christmas should ignite storytellers' imaginations to create great works of fantasy and drama. Of course, many have. Miracle on 34th Street, A Christmas Carol, Home Alone, It's a Wonderful Life (which I do not strictly consider a Christmas film but since general audiences do, I will include the film on this list), Terry Pratchett's Hogfather, Arthur Christmas, A Charlie Brown Christmas, A Christmas Story, and Dan Fogelberg's classic tune, "Old Lang Syne", (the holiday ying to the yang that is Mariah Carrey's "All I Want for Christmas Is You"). Heck, I will even throw in Elf onto that list. There are many narratives across time and space in which a Christmas story works as a great piece of art, period.

But most Christmas films are like Jingle All the Way. No, scratch that last comment: most Christmas films are worse than Jingle All the Way. Studios make them lousy, and people love them for being lousy; passionately defending them like they were their own cherished kin. Again, enjoy whatever gets one in the holiday spirit, so long as the tale is honorable and infuses people with love. I do not care. But this film did get me to finally confront the fact that most Christmas movies are really bad movies, no matter the time of year, whereas countless Halloween and or horror films are spectacular and highly-regarded. I suppose I just feel that my favorite holiday, which still means a great deal to my soul despite how much I seem to have grown worse over the years, deserve so much better than what people demand. Watching a Christmas film should be a privilege, not a chore, considering the power of the holiday's very name.

Regardless, Jingle All the Way gave the world a scene between two human cartoon characters, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Phil Hartman, which brought about that great internet remix song based on the line, "Put that cookie down!". The little joy that this little scene has given the world is nothing to dismiss. In fact, I will even say such a silly thing being born through this kind of film is part of what Christmas is about, and that is an encouraging thought.