Love Letter Written in Winter

Things are changing

She had started liking to meet with that stranger. The tenderness in his treatment seemed to mend the lingering wounds within her, remnants of the hurt inflicted by Steven years ago. Another week passed. And she somehow waited for Saturday, even though deep down, she didn’t want to entertain that thought. While on the other side of the earth, Drake was also waiting for Saturday as he deliberately wanted to show her beloved the sketch he had made for her. This time he had drawn a pencil sketch where her face was pretty recognizable.
As they met and exchanged books like every other time, she rushed to see the last page of the book with a child-like excitement. Because as per the history, there should lie some special gift from the opposite person.
The sketch was made with an overwhelming sense of love, portraying the model as if she were the most beautiful woman in the world, in the eyes of the artist. Under the sketch, he wrote: -‘Oh! It’s you. I thought it was some art!’ -‘Oh! It’s you. I thought it was some fairytale!’ she added. There was a genuine smile on her face as she wrote her part, her cheeks blushed for a fleeting moment.
Then she moved the book towards him, a bit hesitant at first, but eventually got out of that awkwardness. He read it, and his heart was filled with joy. No one had ever acknowledged his efforts like this before. For the first time, someone treated Drake like a king. That time itself, he knew, she was an angel. Must be all the good deeds of his life were needed to meet a person like this. They talked more than usual. They came out of their regular routine and ordered one extra cup of coffee, just to talk a bit more.
She knew she was entering fire; she knew it would burn her later, yet she kept going as initially it felt warm, and she had been suffering for years in freezing cold.
Another day, while exchanging books and sharing different perspective to her, Drake asked,
-‘I have noticed that you have started to read more sad love poem, while previously you used to read passionate love poems. Is there some reason behind this transition?’
Her demure was evident as she glanced at him. It felt like years of mystery of an ancient abundant forest were hidden behind those eyes of hers.
-‘Love without the word ‘forever’ brings devastation. Don’t you know?’ she said.
-‘And have you ever been through such devastation?’ Drake asked.
-‘Yes. Why not? Unrequited love always does that. Doesn’t it?’ she giggled as if she had become so used to that heartbreak, that talking about it couldn’t hurt her anymore. But somehow he managed to see the mundane sorrow behind her sparkling eyes.
-‘May I have the honor to know more about this fairytale?’ he asked.
-‘To be honest, it was never a fairytale. A nightmare all the way…’ while saying this, she delved back into those past days. She remembered back in school days when she sat beside Steven every day, chattered with him the whole afternoon, shared tiffin with him, and went to the school ground after class was over. He used to play basketball. She used to sit in the gallery, admire his every movement for the whole one hour. He looked fine from all angles. Maybe he was art, she thought that time. And after winning, he used to wave hands to her, which used to make her heart bounce. Each of these things, ---- was it really a nightmare all along? Or maybe she had lived some of the best years of her life. And maybe that’s why it had become such trauma for her now. They rightly say, most beautiful memories can transform into the most hurtful traumas. As she didn't want to forget those memories, she started dwelling with the trauma and started bleeding in the process. After bleeding for years, now she only remembered blood, not those once-golden memories. She was totally strolling in the memory lane. Drake’s voice brought her back to the present.
-‘Sylvia, are you here?’ he said with a chuckle.
-‘Yep.’ She replied and lowered her head to hide embarrassment. Softly brushing away her fringes near her ear, and holding a soft smile on her lips, she said, ‘Ummm…or maybe not a nightmare totally…but memories can play fatal sometimes.’
-‘Certainly. Actually, memories are like those strings of a kite. The strings help you to fly your kite high, feel the rhythm of air and the vastness of the sky. But when the string goes out of your control, you have to let it go; otherwise, it will do nothing but bleed your hand. Memories also take you to another dimension, where everything was so perfect for some time. But you have to decide when to stop remembering those things; if you start dwelling with them, it will cost you your present.’ Drake replied.
-‘You all say, to stop remembering him. And here, I forgot to forget him, even for a second…’ she giggled again, ‘Your idea about memories is very right. But the fact is I have that very bad habit of holding onto things even though they are gone. Life is tough for those who are bad at letting go.’
Drake kept gazing at her intensely, while carefully listening to her deep words.
-‘He must be your first love.’ He said.
-‘Certainly.’ She replied.
-‘What happened then?’
-‘Nothing much. It’s just… I completely broke all my rules just to stay a little longer with him. And at the end of everything, he said, ‘Did I tell you to do all these?’ and I didn’t have any answer for that…’ she stopped for a second, ‘He was right. Even though he gifted a girl something for the first time and I was that girl…’ she pointed towards the bracelet on her wrist, ‘But he never said he loved me.’
A moment of pause. She continued, ‘He was very shy. He barely had more than three friends. I was the only person he visited the New Year firework festival with, went to the stream on rainy afternoons to float paper boats, and looked into my eye straight, something no one else did. And I thought eyes never lie. I thought it was love…. But then again, he never told me that he loved me, so I can’t blame him probably.’
-‘I can see, you are angry with him till today for not loving you…’ he made a statement.
-‘I am not angry because he never loved me back. I am upset because he kept holding me in a false universe, which never existed. He pretended like a lover, even though he had nothing for me. Though he didn’t love me, he loved being loved that way. He kept giving me false hope till the very end, just for the attention. And you know, how my mind works… it keeps hoping for those impossible ‘what if’ chances. And I was nicely destroyed.’ She smiled.
Drake was speechless for a moment.
-‘Ok, I guess we should stop the discussion on this topic now. Love is such a vast topic that if we talk, we will be talking for years on this.’ Sylvia added as it was already getting dark outside.
Drake looked at her and said,
-‘I wonder just how much you have loved him. If I have done enough good deeds in this life, as a gift for that, I would like to be loved that way in some other life. I really would like to feel that once…’
Sylvia tried not looking towards him. But just for a second when she did, she found Drake intensely looking at her. She felt a bit uncomfortable and embarrassed.
-‘By the way, may I send you morning poetry? Once you said, you fear you will never be able to forget him and live over the tombstone of that long-lost love. I am sure these poetries will lead you for a new start.’ Drake said.
-‘You want my e-mail?’ Sylvia asked directly as she didn’t like much manipulation.
-‘Only if you’re comfortable with it.’ Drake replied confidently even though his palm was sweating out of anxiety.
Sylvia didn’t think much. They just exchanged mail IDs. Sylvia looked through the transparent glasses of the café window and was surprised,
-‘Oh! I can’t believe it’s late evening already. Soon the last metro will leave the station. I have gotta go.’ Sylvia said in a hurry, as the surroundings were dark, with some neon lights from some shops glowing in between. It looked like a big forest with some fireflies around. It was not a big city, where transportation would always be available. It was just a small town. She was in a hurry to catch the last metro. She left the seat.
-‘Take your time, Sylvia. Today I came in a vehicle. I can drop you.’ Drake said.
-‘Maybe some other day.’ She replied.
-‘Ok! Then at least let me pay your bill.’ Drake said.
-‘I’ve already paid mine. See you next week.’ She said and left the café in a hurry.
Drake thought, 'What kind of woman is this! She is very beautiful, kind, but has a very different attitude. She won’t accept any money from outsiders. She will praise efforts, but she has a very prominent allergy to materialistic gifts.'
Standing in the metro station, Sylvia was checking her phone when she noticed there were messages from Murph lying in the inbox.
‘Missy, did you eat?’
‘It’s been really late.’
‘You’ve never been this late ever. Also, you were really unwell this week. Is everything okay?’
‘I told you that I would accompany you for this week, but you didn’t listen to that too.’
Seeing her online, he desperately sent those messages. He was scared to hell, thinking what happened to her. Sylvia assured him,
‘Calm down, Murphy. I am totally fine.’
‘Boarding on the last metro. Today it’s been really late. You don’t need to come to pick me from the station. I can go alone.’
Murphy replied,
‘Since afternoon, I haven’t gone home. I’m still waiting at the station.’
Sylvia was a bit out of words. Every week, Murphy came to pick her up from the station in the afternoon, the normal time when she used to reach her destination. Today also, he must have come like a regular habit. Sylvia had no plan to be this late. But that chitchat in the café was extended unexpectedly. Even she forgot to inform Murph. But the boy kept waiting for his Missy for hours. She felt very guilty. She bought some of his favorite lychee flavored candy from the station store for him.
As soon as she came down the train, Murph came forward. Just like every day routine, he carried her book while walking beside her. But he was a bit off today. He didn’t seem that joyous or excited like on other days. The very controlled, shy but genuine smile of his was missing. While walking home, he suddenly asked,
-‘Did you again meet that stranger, Missy?’
As Sylvia shared small details about her day with Murph as part of her regular routine, Murph knew about that stranger by this time. He didn't know his name. He just knew that someone like that existed. And both of them used to address him as 'Stranger'.
Sylvia was so shocked. She felt guilty for a reason she didn’t know. And the reason was not being late for home, something else maybe.
-‘Umm…hmm coincidentally, he came to the same café at the same time as me…’ she replied.
-‘Coincidentally… I see.’ Murph murmured in a very low voice, but somehow it was audible to her. He didn’t say any more words the whole way and even after that. He prepared dinner and informed her in a very formal manner,
-‘Missy, your dinner is ready.’
She came and sat at the table. He didn’t sit beside her or take food. He just stood away as a faithful servant, not a family member. The surroundings were so cold and serious that she felt suffocated; that warmth of home kind of feeling was gone. She tried to convince him, but he was aloof, silent.
She felt very disturbed by this time. She actually desperately prioritized him that he never understood. For her, he was her only family, someone she could rely on. She couldn’t take it if that one family member was going away from her because of some random strangers, who are just temporary people, she knew. She pouted her lips as she was getting irritated and said in an extremely soft tone,
-‘Murphy, won’t you talk to me?’
He wanted to say, ‘Is there any other option left for me? I am so madly in love with you, that at this point, no matter what, I can’t leave you. Even if I know you will never accept my love. I am just a butler. But loving you has become like breathing. Even if I am angry, sad, or not talking to you, I have to keep loving you.’ But he didn’t give any answer. He just turned around towards her and kept his gaze low. Then she brought that candy stick from her small handbag.
-‘I brought this candy for you. At least now, will you forgive me? I know I made you wait for a really long time at the station. But I didn’t do it intentionally.’ she apologized.
He wasn’t upset because of that. He didn’t even consider that waiting as a reason to be angry with his beloved. The issue was something else, but she didn’t understand. And Murph was unwilling to clearly tell her anything as he believed no matter how much he loved her, there was a barrier in front of him and he had no right to want her in his life. So he didn’t let his feelings be confessed to her. He silently came forward and accepted the gift and said ‘Thank you, Missy.’ in a very low voice and left.
She had to have dinner alone, which she quite did not like. By the time she reached her room, her bed was neatly prepared. Her medicine waited on a plate on the bedside table. She took the medicine, turned off the light, and lay down on her bed. But she wasn’t getting peace; she was yet very disturbed with Murph’s behavior. She couldn’t figure out what exactly happened to him. He never behaved like that before. Suddenly, she checked her cell phone casually. Seeing a notification, all her agony just vanished. It was a mail from Drake.