am i making you feel sick? - minishaw

i tried to be good, am i no good?

simon had always struggled with the hate, everyone knew this (which is probably why he was targeted so much) but recently he'd been affected more. the hate seemed to be everywhere he looked these days, sometimes under videos he wasn't even in, and he couldn't help himself. he had to read it all.he didn't even know why he did it. it only ever made him feel worse, he was self aware enough to recognise that, but if he read every hate comment maybe he could be better? if he became what people wanted him to be the comments would stop wouldn't they? he had to try. anyone close to him knew that he was stubborn, a perfectionist, maybe had a hint of OCD. simon loved solving problems, and yet he could never quite fix himself.

he was doing it now, sat in harry's bed with his laptop, scrolling through the comments of the latest sidemen sunday. he ignored the positive comments. harry was in the shower, he didn't let simon look at comments anymore having seen how torn up his boyfriend would get about them. simon skimmed past a few comments before stopping at one berating him, adding what this person thought he'd done wrong to his mental spreadsheet. most people agreed videos would be better if simon didn't speak. maybe he would try it next time.

'simon, i thought we talked about this.' harry stood in the doorway, he'd caught simon red handed. harry walked into the room whilst he towel dried his hair.

'what?' simon tried to play it off. he switched to a different tab and turned the laptop towards his boyfriend. 'i wasn't doing anything.' harry shook his head, clearly unimpressed at simon's attempt to deceive him.

'your face gives you away when you're reading mean shit.' harry dropped his towel to the floor and confiscated the laptop from simon, putting it on the floor next to his side of the bed instead. he sat on the bed in front of simon and grabbed his face by either side and shook him lightly.

'they don't know you, simon! they have no fucking clue about what type of person you are, okay? they're just lonely pricks with too much free time.' simon nodded weakly with a sad smile and harry squeezed his face whilst giving his forehead a big kiss. 'chin up!' he said when he pulled away, moving a hand to physically tilt simon's chin up. making a smile break out on his face, harry smiled back before turning away.

simon appreciated harry more than he could ever know. he truly did not give a single fuck about what people were saying about him online. simon was jealous sometimes, wishing he could shut it out the way harry did, but he was mostly just happy that nothing got to harry. and harry helped him anyway. it was nearly impossible to wallow in self pity when harry was around, always cracking jokes and showering simon with affection.

harry plucked the laptop from the floor and tilted the screen away from simon whilst he closed all of the tabs. simon turned his head away, pretending that he wouldn't have tried to get a last look about what people were saying, but they both knew he would've.

'want to watch a film?' harry offered and simon's eyebrows shot up in surprise.

'a film?' he asked. harry never watched films, only documentaries. 'you want to watch a film?'

'alright, don't sound so shocked.' harry teased. 'arthur keeps telling me about one, a rugby team in a plane crash, based on a true story or something, sounds decent.' based on a true story made more sense (and the plane crash), but simon was still a bit shocked that harry actually wanted to watch a film. he agreed, obviously, and ended up messaging arthur thanking him (and later asking why he'd recommend a film about cannibalism to harry). it was a weird film, but simon didn't really mind. he was just happy that harry had finally taken interest in a film.

simon fell asleep soon after it finished, tucked into harry's side, his emotions catching up with him and making him sleepy. harry held him whilst he slept and kept himself occupied a little longer.