am i making you feel sick? - minishaw

how funny, i never considered myself tough.

simon stumbled back a little in surprise. he rolled over the words in his head. a body. someone was dead. he blinked harshly a few times. he looked around, at his boyfriend, at the green room, at the officer.

she got called away by her walkie-talkie before simon could even think about asking anything else. he was too stunned to speak whilst harry dragged him towards their friends. tobi shot up instantly and ran to the door when he saw them.

'thank the lord.' he pulled harry into a hug and then did the same to simon. 'i'm so glad- i'm glad you guys are alright.' he corrected himself midway, because "i'm glad you weren't the one that died" isn't something you can say. simon hugged tobi back, he was glad tobi was alive too. when he pulled away he scanned the group, unintentionally sighing in relief when all of his close friends were accounted for, and then he felt guilty for doing it.

'do we know what happened?' harry asked as he sat down on an empty sofa, simon followed him. 'someone we know?'

'john found it.' ethan announced, simon cringed at the use of the word it. 'dunno who it is yet.'

'why'd they take our phones?' simon asked, glancing at the officers in the room.

'too many followers or something.' ethan shrugged, not seeming bothered by this at all.

'you are a high profile group of people.' an officer butted in to give simon a real answer. 'we can't have news getting out about this until we've confirmed the death is non-suspicious. you'll get phones back when we have confirmation.'

simon nodded and thanked him. he leant against harry and watched him fiddle with his fingers and looked around the room again double checking who was in there. john wasn't there, but he had found the body apparently, so that made sense. kon and kirsty weren't there, but simon couldn't quite remember if they were at this shoot. victor wasn't there, james wasn't there, johnny wasn't there. simon kept looking towards the door hoping the missing people would appear.

eventually, an hour or so later, a wide eyed john was escorted into the room with another officer. everyone stood up, awaiting explanation.

'john?' someone asked, simon wasn't paying attention to anyone but john. his face said it all. it was someone they knew, it had to be.

john turned to the officer behind him and he nodded. it felt like years until john was facing towards the room again. he scanned looked around the room and his mouth opened a few times, trying and failing to get the words out. he looked at the floor and finally managed to say it.

'it's james.'

the police confirmed that james' death wasn't being investigated further. simon had known james occasional used drugs but he'd never imagined it being this bad, no one had. the room remained silent when the police explained everything to them. john took a seat opposite simon with glassy eyes. simon swore he was shaking his head when the police said they wouldn't be investigating, but that must've been the shock of finding his friend dead (simon spoke to harry about it later and he agreed, it must've been the shock).

harry wrapped a protective arm around simon as they listened to the officers speak. well, simon wasn't sure he heard anything, really, his head was spinning. it didn't feel real. how could it be real? the thought of this being a prank crossed his mind for a moment but as he looked around the room he knew that wasn't the case and he felt guilty for even considering it. harry rubbed his back comfortingly and simon let his mind cloud over, only focusing on harry.

—

a press release was made a few days later, after family had been contacted. the internet was outpouring love and support to the sidemen and their crew. whenever simon left harry's flat someone would stop him in the street and offer their condolences. somehow this has boosted the sidemen even further into stardom and simon hated it.