Livia wasn't wrong, Coriolanus would love nothing more than to take her again. But she's too scared to do anything having to involve her kitty. Her body still felt too alien too her, too unlike what she's used to. How is she supposed to pleasure someone else when she can't even bear to bring herself any? Even doing basic things like urinating and cleaning herself was still a struggle. Though she was telling the truth when she said it wasn't really about trust, she didn't say it wasn't also partly about feelings. She's still angry at him. Coriolanus took away her freedom, her peace, her living and her solitude and even while Lucy Gray is grateful for her baby daughters, she still resented him. She didn't feel like she should reward him for his entitlement to her. He'd still lied to her a lot with the excuse that she'd overreact, even putting the same idea in their son's head. As though life hasn't prepared her for unpleasantness.
All these thoughts were only making the house feel more stifling, even going all around the house, exploring every inch of it, just made her feel more claustrophobic.
'Alright, I'm a grown woman. I'm going for a walk if I want to.' She thought 'The babies are asleep with Ms.Hayes, Silas Ochre's with Holly May and are perfectly capable of joining the girls if they'd like. I need to clear my head.'
She readied herself, not doing much. She's only going for a walk around the neighborhood, so she threw on a pair of thick, black stockings under a pretty dark green winter dress and a sturdy pair of black walking boots Coriolanus so generously gifted her but has never actually given her to opportunity to use and a scarf to wear under the dense, heavy wine-colored winter coat. Her hair was thankfully thick enough that she didn't need a hat.
She knew it made no sense to be mad again, after all this time had passed only because of a side comment of Livia's. Especially when she hadn't intended on it upsetting her. But still 'nothing had changed'? Everything they'd gone through but he came back like 'nothing had changed'. She supposes because it really hadn't for him, except for the better. She'd ran off into freedom but uncertainty. Hungry, tired and scared while he'd ran back to exactly what he knew.
The snow was heavy on the ground but the city made sure to keep walking and driving lanes free of even a hint of ice, for both safety and looks. The snow looked like a pristine sheet of cotton on the parts that would usually be green with vegetation while the sidewalks and roads look freshly laid in how dark they look like comparison. The street lights kept every area necessary illuminated with a light that only enhanced the colorlessness of the scene, still only 6:30 but the sky was so dark already. She started on her walk, keeping track of where she was going as best as she could, the last thing she needs is to get lost.
She thought on how Coriolanus had been behaving with the children and her, the gleaming example of what women dream of their partners being like when they have babies. How he dotes on her and takes full care of their kids, even including Oly. She might not have birthed him, but even Livia's said Lucy Gray's as much a mother to him as she is. She even thinks on how he looks at her sometimes. Most times she catches him, his eyes are full of so much tenderness and love that she can't bear it. It fills her with guilt that she can't give herself up to him the way he wants her to. Other times, he looks down at her like she's something to eat. Not as a euphemism, but quite literally fantasizing about consuming her one bite after the last so that there would definitively be no part of her outside of himself. Livia has made her thoughts on his feelings for Lucy Gray more than clear. He loves her, for better or worse. But she feels it's more than that. Not more as in the word love is too minor to express his feelings and they need something stronger, or any of that romantic nonsense. She's sure he does indeed love her, but he wants to possess her more. Lucy Gray knows, to her very core, that he'd rather she died with him than lived without him.
The hair on her neck stands on end as she turns around as quickly and suddenly as she can manage. Behind her, she sees a sleek black car with windows too dark to see into them, and as she stops, so does the car. Not that it was going very fast to begin with, it was barely going at a crawl. She continues walking on and takes a sudden left into a random small space between two buildings. She looks at the area she ran into and looks at a ladder hanging against the wall of the tall, red building that smells of smoke and ash and decides to climb it. She won't linger, just as long as it takes the car to go away. She looks over the edge of the roof and marvels at what she could see of the city. The trees present are dead, not a single leaf in sight but the lights are a wonder. Twinkling, bright and scattered all over the landscape, over mountains and valleys.
