Once upon a time...

The Art of not letting go

Listen to "How could you leave us by NF"

It's all gloomy, no lights, just a blur. 
My thoughts are fragments of what will soon be the past, 
What I’ll have to let go of. 
It's painful to even think that I have to let go. 
I never imagined I'd be letting go, at least not now.

Wait, pause. 
I pinch the skin on my arm so hard, 
It’s not funny anymore. 
Aren’t I supposed to not feel pain? It's a dream, right? 
Right? 
No reply. I'm talking to myself in the corner of my room.

Ding! Ding! 
I check my phone, expecting a reply from them. 
Instead, I see group messages, irrelevant texts at this moment.

My eyes are a deep void. 
No one to hug until my eyes give out, no one to take the pain away, no one to make me feel something. 
Staring at a spot, I feel my lungs closing and opening, bile forming.

Who's next? 
God, please, at least let my sister recover. I say that with little to no faith. 
It feels like they can see me, staring directly at me but...

They're gone. Just like that. I will NEVER see them again. 
I just left for school, never imagining I wouldn’t come back to see their face. 
It hits different, you know why? 
I'm not there. 
I'm not there to experience it. 
I'm not there to believe it. 
I'm not there.

I can pretend it's a prank because it wasn’t physical. 
They’re probably not online. 
Their phone was either stolen or broken. 
My brother just had to make a really expensive joke.

How many times did I hug them? 
I can only imagine their smiling face. 
I hope I don't lose that too. 
The worst part is knowing that wounds heal and with time, I’ll learn to move on.

But I don't want to move on. 
I don't want to believe it. 
I don't. 
It's either they come back to life, 
Or I never get over it. 
Neither option is in my reach. 
I can only torture myself.

How am I gonna break it to her? 
Eat as much as you want, okay? 
I'm okay not being fine. I just hope you were proud of me. 
I hope I was a good daughter to you. 
I hope if there's a heaven, you made it.

---

An ambivert who returns any energy given to her, she doesn’t like stress. She can be calm and wild if she wants to. 
She doesn’t like talking too much. 
She’s fragile, doesn’t love easily but when she does, she loves with her whole heart. 
She puts on a tough look so people won’t easily access her. 
Now, she sits contemplating how to break the news to her sister.

                     D.a.n.i.e.l.l.a