People Pleaser

People pleaser

I am a people pleaser.

It's that simple.

When people need me, Im there.

When I do something wrong, I apologize.

When I don't do something wrong, I apologize.

This circle repeats, but I am getting better.

I am becoming more stubborn like my daddy, day by day.

I am learning to say No.

But again and again and again questions circle my brain,

Enclosing me in a box that is hard to open.

Questions fill my head, racing.

Do they like me?

Do they actually want to hang out with me?

How do I know if they're fake?

Why do I love them, yet hate them all at once?

I might as well drop them.

But no.

Instead, I say Im sorry.

Again and again and again.

Does he like me?

How do I know if he is just messing with me?

Why am I so awkward around him?

Maybe he's the one.

Oh no, I said something wrong.

I should say sorry.

I should apologize, I should cry, and beg for forgiveness.

But no, instead, for some weird reason, I stay silent.

Saying sorry and staying silent are two very different cries of pain,

Although they both mean the exact same thing.

When people need help, I help them.

When do they help me?

Why am I the only one who is stuck here,

Incapable of sharing my emotions?

Why can everyone else share their emotions and ask for my advice,

But when I need it, all of a sudden it's about them?

I don't want to be a therapist.

I am a child.

I am a child.

I am a child.

It's not fair that I have to help everyone else.

But then there's him.

He listens.

He cares.

Or does he?

I will say something wrong, I know it.

I will do something, or admit something

That makes him feel awkward, or scared.

I'll make him run away.

Again and again and again and again.

And again and again I will apologize,

Over and over again and again.

Because I am a people pleaser.

I have no choice.

Its habitual.

Something I cannot control.

I'll be stuck in this position forever.

Help.

Help.

Help.

The therapist, and the girl who would always apologize over and over again needs an apology. For real this time. Not some stupid Im sorry that has no meaning behind it. A hug, a kiss, a real apology. Something that will make her heart melt, and finally feel welcome and as if she belongs. I need something that will make me feel like Im not just somebody who holds information for someone else. I know that I have friends. Friends who care. But I also know that many people use me for the information that I store. I know that I am worth more than that. I deserve more.

I deserve more.

They know that.

I'll still say sorry.