Touch of Fate || Hyunlix

Jisungs poems

I.

Ever since I've become sane,
Over my surroundings and self,
I couldn't recognize the difference between the day and night.
Both moonlight and sunrise
Brought a nightmare along.
I begged for someone to notice me,
Outside of my academic worth.
'What am I, if not smart?'
Mother don't you see what they're doing to me?
They have their hands all over me,
It's suffocating, I'm tempted to end it all.

Friends, they hit me. My lips bled and my oxygen got low. They drained me,
Locked me up within the repetitive cycle of their words in my head.
Don't you see that my "okay" asks for help? I feel tortured to be in this skin,
Breathing feels like a curse, I want it all gone. I take up making myself bleed, it seems to be enjoyable just as they say.
Don't you notice, how much of me,
You don't know?

'You don't know me as much as you think';
Shouldn't I be the one to say it?
My joyful facade is way stronger,
I almost deceive myself.
You say "my life is hard", yet all I do is listen as my problems remain hidden and bigger than yours.
Why can't people notice me for who I am?
You say "robot" and "insensitive", I was forced to be that way.

Tears feel worse than a sin, anger is replaced by guilt,
Love feels like a slave contract,
Fear feels like something for the weak.
A touch from another feels like an empty favor... So tell me,
What do you know about me?
My name is all you know, not what I have been through.

Is it time or is it 'bye?

These days I don't feel like myself,
Something's wrong, something's a bother.
At night all I'm followed by are nightmares,
As my days are filled with nothing but disturbance.
I find myself needing a way out, an escape from the body and identity I live in.
I want to run far away, and never look back
I want to learn how to live again,
As I have lost sense of it by now.
My memory is blurry, my focus is foggy, my thoughts are gloomy, my time is running.

Is it an illness or is it stress?
Is it a condition or a temporary malfunction?
I want to breathe freely, but why does that even feel suffocating?
I feel like I'm surrounded by nothing but four dead ends,
Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.
I feel tired, so tired...
Sleep is impossible, yet another, dead end. Is it time or is it 'bye?

How to feel?

It's said that we can only hope,
To open our eyes next morning
In order to witness another sunrise...
Turns out, I dread every sunrise I'm met with.
I dread and splatter myself with guilt
Upon viewing the same scarred arms
Hidden underneath my pretty sweater.
I curse the day I was born, every night.
I feel cold, a blanket isn't enough to keep me warm.
But what is enough?

What is there to fill this emptiness,
In my heart, in my life, in my mind?
Is the only source, really the presence of another human?
As much as I crave it, I mustn't.
For me, my younger self and my future...
My days are filled with an act,
Which I call "happiness".
My nights are filled with nightmares,
Thoughts that haunt me,
Past memories which taunt me.
I cover myself with a blanket
From head to toe.

I ask myself: "How do you feel today?" Instead of answering,
My body speaks for me.
I began to cry, my hand grabbed onto my chest tight,
My lips shake slightly as I bite onto my bottom lip,
The voice of my own comforts me
In a way that I desire from another.

"It's okay, you'll be okay. It's all but a passing moment. You're strong, fight through it. Face it all together, you and I. You're okay." - I say as I pat my head in reassurance

I'm all on my own,
Can't you see that my fate is cruel?

What I own.

I was a kid, as I watched my safe space turn into a place I wished to escape from.
I was only in the second grade of middle school, when I felt an intimate touch from another.
Yet another loss, of what I own.

I hear people talk about their first kiss, so happy, so romantic, so memorial.
As I remember the clear sight of mine, getting stolen from me.
Yet another loss of what I own.

Tell me, oh thy God
Aren't you so unmerciful towards me? Tell me, what do I own?
What have I done, to get torn away from my youth?
I watched my youth fade away,
And I gave it up for my future.

What about my goodbye?

There's something, so sly, so cruel,
Unmerciful, a self confidence killer
Which you'd call a thought constantly kicking me in the gut.
I watched as you slowly changed for the worst, thinking to myself: "Is this how everything ends?"
I didn't want that, I didn't want to be forced into a path with no end.
Friends? What's that?

I heard stories of other friendships,
Asking myself: "Where have I gone wrong?"
You hurt me, yet I didn't know how to perceive that pain.
I felt myself drifting away from every soul my eyes laid on,
The pain I felt made me numb, I don't need anyone.
Though every night proved me wrong, the Moon looked at me with sad eyes, which only I could feel  aimed at me.
The clouds let the rain fall, resembling the tears I couldn't cry out, as the wind blew over the branches creating a gut wrenching scream. Like the one my heart begged to yell.

So what about my goodbye?
Have you ever thought of how forced I was to change in such a short time, all because you left?

Relapse.

I've heard it all many times,
I've felt it more than once,
I've done it yet again.
Somehow, it feels right,
Even though I know it's all wrong,
It hurts too good for me to stop.
Maybe I deserve it all,
Maybe if I were two feet underground,
I'd finally feel like I belong.

The voices in my head want me to hurt myself, my heart aches as my mind begs for a sting.
The sharp yet cold blade, feels right when it's piercing through my skin.
Blood pouring out of my wounds,
While I smile through the tears.
Warm water running over my fresh scars, it stings, yet why do I like it all?

Everywhere I go, I don't feel like I belong. I turn around, only to see an empty room with no one to wipe my tears.
How am I a bad person,
And why is it always me who takes the blame?
I'm a person too, aren't I?
I touch my skin with my hands,
Run my fingers over my veins and listen to my pulse.
If I have everything a human does,
Why am I not treated as one?

Apology.

Time passed by slowly on the hourglass placed near the counter,
Every new day and upcoming night, a lie after another followed by a mistake of yours appeared.
Those days I'd forgive you,
Out of pure guilt you'd trip me with.
Those late nights however, I'd tend to overthink.

I reminisce about those times and think to myself how grateful I am that you're no longer here.
The best actor of a victim would be you, thus no person falls victim to the hero's hand and I was no villain.
You were a perfect example, of a terrific story inside a famous writers book.
The manipulator, using an apology.
One after another,
I lost faith in us.
"I'm sorry."- You'd tell

No apologies are needed, a broken vase can never be as beautiful as it was before the fall.
Always taped, missing parts and spilling its contents.
Never the same, never complete.
That's how I feel about your actions towards me, that's why I don't take another apology.