illicit affairs (ON HOLD)

seventeen

The next morning, sunlight fell through the gaps in my curtains, making me roll over and groan.

My head pounded, a reminder of the previous night's escape, my mouth felt like sandpaper, I needed some water. I groaned, shifting on the bed, the sound of empty bottles clinking together a harsh accompaniment to my misery.

I forced myself to sit up, rubbing my temples in an attempt to ease my very painful headache. The events of yesterday replayed in my mind, Dani's words echoing even louder than the physical pain I felt. My phone buzzed on my nightstand, and I picked it up, in the hope it wasn't another round of concerned or angry messages from Dani.

Instead, it was a text from Rachel.

"Hey babes, you okay? You seemed a bit down yesterday. Want me to come over? We could send Nico away and have a girls night if you'd like?"

I stared at the screen, debating whether to respond.

I put my phone back onto my nightstand, almost knocking off an empty bottle of whatever kind of alcohol I bought yesterday.

Putting my hand to my head I groaned loudly.

I dragged myself to the shower, hoping the hot water would wash away some of my regrets along with the sweat and grime. As I stood under the stream, I realized I couldn't keep living like this—drowning my problems in alcohol and hiding from my past. Dani's words had struck a chord, one I couldn't ignore forever.

So to start I picked up my phone, and blocked Dani, on every single one of my socials.

After getting dressed, I took a deep breath and looked at my reflection in the mirror. My eyes were bloodshot, and my face was pale, but there was a determination there that hadn't been present in a long time. I had to start somewhere.

Therapy was an option.

Not one of mine though, not doing that again.

I loud knocking sounded from the other side of my door. I swear if either my mother or Dani had the nerve to step into my house again I was going to start throwing hands.

Taking a deep breath, I steadied myself and walked towards the door, feeling a mix of dread and irritation. I couldn't handle another confrontation today, not after the night I'd had.

I was somewhat relieved to see Rachel standing there, a concerned expression on her face.

"Hey," she said softly when I opened the door. "I brought coffee and breakfast. Thought you might need it, Nico let me in."

I stepped aside to let her in, feeling a bit ashamed of the state of my room. "Thanks, Rach," I muttered, running a hand through my damp hair.

She glanced around at the mess but didn't comment. Instead, she handed me a steaming cup of coffee and a brown paper bag that smelled heavenly. "I rode by your favourite place after school, thought you could use a pick-me-up," she said with a small smile.

We settled on the couch downstairs, the silence between us comforting rather than awkward. Rachel had always been good at knowing when to push and when to just be there.

"I saw your text," I said after a few sips of coffee. "Sorry I didn't respond. It's been...a rough morning."

Rachel nodded, her eyes full of understanding. "I figured. You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. Just know I'm here for you, kay?"

I nodded, feeling a lump form in my throat. "Thanks, Rach. I really appreciate it."

We ate our lunch in relative silence, the only sounds being the crinkling of the paper bag and the occasional clink of a fork against a plate. Despite my initial resistance, I felt a bit better with her there, a small anchor in the storm of my emotions.

After we finished eating, Rachel turned to me, her expression serious. "You know, you don't have to go through this alone. I get that therapy isn't your thing, but there are other ways to get help. Other ways to heal, because you do need to heal."

Her words hung in the air, and I knew she was right. I couldn't keep shutting everyone out and expecting things to get better. Maybe I wasn't ready for therapy, but there had to be another way forward.

"I know," I said quietly. "I just...I don't know where to start."

Rachel smiled gently. "Starting is the hardest part. But you're not alone, okay? We'll figure it out together." She squeezed my hand.

A weight I hadn't realized I was carrying seemed to lift slightly at her words. Maybe, just maybe, there was hope for me yet.

As the day wore on, Rachel and I talked about everything and nothing, avoiding the darker topics for now. It felt good to just be in the moment, to laugh and share stories like we used to.

Not having my mind on Dani was nice too. For the first time in what felt like forever, I could breathe without the constant pressure of her words weighing me down.

Rachel didn't leave right away. Instead, she stayed, helping me clean up the remnants of last night's chaos. We worked in companionable silence, her presence a comforting balm to my frayed nerves.

With the empty bottles cleared away and the apartment looking a bit more like home, we settled back on the couch. The day was waning, and the golden light of the setting sun filtered through the windows, casting a warm glow over the room.

Rachel turned to me, a serious look on her face. "You know, not thinking about Dani is a good start. But you need to find something to fill that space. Something positive."

I nodded, knowing she was right. "I've been thinking about that. Maybe picking up an old hobby or finding a new one. Just something to keep me occupied and moving forward."

"That sounds like a great idea," Rachel said, her face lighting up. "What about painting? You used to love it."

"Mhh." I hummed, the expression on my face saying it all. "Oh." Rachel replied, her facial expression shocked. I snickered, "Yeah, not the best idea then."

"I don't know why I'm even trying to forget her, tomorrow I'll be back at school and she'll be there. I blocked her on everything though so that wont be a nice talk." I laughed. "She kept texting me, and it annoyed me."

"You finally blocked someone you liked? Im proud." Rachel said. "Ugh, don't say that. You know I get emotional." I replied. "No, you'll get horny."

I almost choked on my own spit. "Woah." I coughed. "That was uncalled for."

"I'm not lying though, you like it." She winked. "Rachel stop." I laughed. "Don't deny it Alex, you know you get the feels when I say it, I am so proud of you." She climbed on top of me as we laughed.

"Rachel!" I laughed. She bent down to ear level and whispered. "I am so proud of you Alex."

Her words indeed did something to me.

I turned my face to hers, we were inches apart.

We held eye contact, she didn't move, not a muscle.

"Alex, I need to tell you something." She started.

"I know." I said as she leaned in closer, our lips mere inches apart. She looked at me, her eyes talking for her, asking for permission.

I nodded.

She kissed me.