Shed Night: A Steamy Fanfic Anthology for the Girlies

I Am Become Death

In which a mistyped phone number sends the boys on their most homosexual adventure yet.

The sun was high in the sky as the phone booth landed suddenly, sending Bill and Ted tumbling into each other's arms for stability.

"Dude," said Ted, stepping out and looking around at the desert climate, "where are we? This place is most desolate."

Bill grabbed the phonebook and rifled through the pages quickly. They were supposed to have landed in the Wild West, hoping to find Billy the Kid, but there was a distinct lack of saloons, horses, or people in cowboy hats. He compared the number typed into the phone with the book, dragging his finger across the page to read the words aloud. "Los Alamos, New Mexico, 1945. What happened then?"

Ted shrugged, continuing to look around with his hand up to shield his eyes from the sun, Bill walking over to join him. Suddenly, there was the sound of a piercing siren, making both boys grab their ears in shock.

"Most unpleasant!" cried Bill.

Then, as quickly as it started, the siren stopped, instead replaced by the sound of a car engine. The boys looked to see a Jeep driving towards them, sending up clouds of dust. "Dude," said Ted, pointing at it, "look!"

They watched as the car pulled up towards them, a stressed looking man with dark hair and chiseled jaw leaning out the window to address them, "what are you two doing out here? Didn't you hear the sirens? You could have been killed!"

Bill and Ted looked at each other for a moment, quickly trying to think of a story. "Well you see," said Bill, "we just arrived in our phone booth and- wait, did you say we could have...died?"

The man looked exasperated, "my boy, did you not see the signs? 'Private government property'? 'Danger: radiation'? 'Instantaneous death'?"

"Radiation?" asked both boys incredulously.

"If I hadn't seen you in time, the nuclear bomb would have reduced you two to atoms. You're fools, both of you. You're lucky I saw you and was able to stop the test."

"Nuclear bomb," repeated Bill, turning to Ted, his eyes wide, "dude, I believe we could have died most heinously."

"Most heinously," repeated Ted, "but he saved us!"

The two boys broke into a celebratory air guitar.

"Thanks for saving us, dude," said Bill, "By the way, who are you?"

The man sighed, gesturing for them to get in the car with him, "the name's J. Robert Oppenheimer. You two better come with me."

"Oppenheimer," said Ted, climbing into the Jeep, "the beer guy!"

"Ted, you bonehead!" cried Bill, "that's Budweiser! He means Schwarzenegger. Like the guy from Terminator!"

Oppenheimer just shook his head and began to drive them away from the test site, "Oppenheimer is my name, I'm sure. And who might you two be?"

"Well I'm Bill S. Preston Esq.!"

"And I'm Ted Theodore Logan!"

"Of the Wyld Stallyns!"

The two boys played a sick riff on their air guitars once more.

"Well Bill and Ted of the Wyld Stallyns," said Oppenheimer, "I'm going to take you back to base. Then we can get on with the testing of our nuclear bomb."

"Nuclear bomb?" asked Bill, "are you the one who made that? Didn't you guys like totally wreck Japan?"

"That is what they are intended for, yes."

"But dude," said Ted softly, "that's totally not being excellent to each other."

"Well," said Oppenheimer, "that is what the Manhattan Project has been put together for. The development of nuclear weapons for warfare."

"Manhattan Project?" asked Ted, swatting Bill on the arm, "dude I thought you said we were Mexico!"

"New Mexico," corrected Bill, "they must have moved the old one."

The two boys were silent a moment, thinking hard on their predicament, before Bill whispered excitedly, "hey Ted?"

"Yeah Bill?"

"Isn't the Manhattan Project supposed to be something from history? I bet this dude is like totally famous. Do you think he could help us with our presentation?"

Ted thought for a moment, "but dude, we aren't even in Manhattan."

"Let's ask him anyway," said Bill with a shrug.

He leaned forward, throwing his arms over the seat in front of him so he could look Oppenheimer in the face, "look Mr. Schwarzenegger, we're trying to pass our history class and need to put together a presentation most triumphant. Do you want to come to the future with us and help us get an A?"

"Now boys," said Oppenheimer, "I have my own project to work on, I really must stay here to do my work."

Bill thought a moment before reaching into the pocket and pulling out a small package, offering it to him, "want a Twinkie, Mr. Oppenheimer?"
Oppenheimer slowed the car to a halt, turning back to look at the two of them. He pondered the Twinkie for a long moment before taking it from Bill. "You boys are very foolish, you know that?"

Bill sighed, "you sound just like Mr. Ryan."

"And my dad," added Ted.

"Well they sound like wise men," said Oppenheimer, turning the Twinkie over in his hand, "I will make you boys a deal."

"Sure dude," said Bill, "what kind of deal?"

"I think your certain...naiveites are quite charming. I'll help you boys if you help me with something in return."

Bill and Ted nodded enthusiastically, looking at each other with a grin, "party on! What do you need help with?"

"I should, perchance, like to have you boys. Both of you."

"Have us?" said Ted, "hm, I think Rufus might already be in charge of us."

Oppenheimer chuckled, "I can assure you, I would not like to be in charge."

Bill's eyes suddenly went wide and he grabbed Ted's arm, holding up his hand to Oppenheimer, "one second Mr. Schwarzenegger, allow me to confer with my colleague here."

Oppenheimer nodded and Bill pulled Ted back into the back seat, "dude, I think he wants us to hook up with him!"

"What?" cried Bill, "no way, dude!"

"He totally does!"
The two boys eyed Oppenheimer, who sat in the front seat, still pondering the Twinkie.

"I mean..." began Ted hesitantly, "should we?"

"Do you want to?" asked Bill.

"Do you?"

"Ok," countered Bill, "count of three we both say yes or no. Do we want to have a totally bodacious threesome with the father of the nuclear bomb? Ready? One, two, three!"

"Yes!" both boys cried.

They were silent for a moment before playing another sick riff on the air guitar and giving each other a high five.

"Party on, dude!"

"We will get most extra credit!"

Bill leaned forward in his seat, "Mr. Schwarzenegger, we have decided to take your offer!"

Oppenheimer smiled, "I'm glad to hear it! I hope that we will all be able to have some fun together. Then I will accompany you to help with your history project."

"Don't worry, Mr. Oppenheimer," said Ted with a smile, "this will be a most excellent blowjob!"