And what do I do, when I'm all that's left? (THE NURSERY NURSE FANFICTION)

The dam breaks

Carly couldn't remember when she started feeling like every laugh was a choked back sob.

Or when every thought she had started to circle back to 'im not enough im not enough im not-'

"I can't do this, I can't" she coughed out in watery breath, alone and sliding down a bathroom stall. She sensed the rust of the metal door scratching her back ever so lightly as she made contact with the ground.

She didn't need to feel this shitty, she'd always tell herself. She had a better life than most. Sure, it wasn't always sunshine and rainbows, but it was fine enough.

She shouldn't feel this way. It's ungrateful. But she still felt, and she balled up a fist and punched an already bruised thigh at the realization that telling herself she was an ingrate wasn't helping her stop crying.

She didn't know why she felt so bad. Why a suggestion to start drinking water instead of juice from a parent triggered such a vile reaction. Some people would die to have clean water. And here Carly was, bitching and moaning about it.

She pulled at her thinning hair and slammed her head back until it made a satisfying crash against the thin metallic stall. She felt a small rush of calm as her mental pain stepped aside for just one moment to allow a thought of-

"Ouch that fucking hurt." She sighed out, in a voice of someone who had just had the most minor vaccine. As if she wasn't the psycho that just bashed her head into a bathroom wall over juice.

She wanted to be gone.

She knew that no matter how much she had to look forward to in life, it always felt like her soul was being held captive, like the eyes of her essence were staring with metaphorical eyes at the tip of a nine-inch blade.

"Breathe in, out, you're fine, Carly."  She muttered to herself beneath clinched teeth.

Tears stained her freckled cheeks as she felt the overwhelming cloud of loneliness entrap her very being and pin her to the floor where she sat. The prick of pins and needles stuck her feet and hands as a cold sweat took over her body.

And- of course- that's when a parent came in. She was loudly rambling to someone on the phone. Carly honestly wouldn't have known she had a pounding headache (she had been blissfully unaware due to the overwhelming emotions she was feeling) had it not been for the girls booming voice. Carly couldn't make out what she was saying over the rising sound of her pulse between her ears. In any case,
After this day of uncertainty within her feelings, Carly suddenly knew two things. One, she couldn't let ANYONE see her like this, and two, she had to leave the stall, as the other was out of order.

She quickly rose to her feet, ignoring the light headedness and the searing pain in her skull. Nausea took hold of her senses and she fought back an animalistic cry out as her world began to spin beneath her feet. "Excusemeimsosorry" she rushed out to the parent as she near sprinted out the door.

Luck would have it that while the hallways she was now stumbling through was mostly empty, Charolette would be stood outside her rooms door, closing up after a busy day.

"Hey Carly! I didn't expect to see you so late after close, do you need a ride?"

Carly didn't know if it was the fact that she felt like death was pinching the scruff of her neck, or if she felt she needed to push Char out of the way in some primitive desire to keep herself safe, but she couldn't stop herself from spewing out a response.

"My god Char, fuck entirely off. Yknow what I am tired of everyone constantly being up my ass. 'Did you eat, Carly?' 'Do you need a ride; Carly?' 'You'd probably be healthier if you drank water instead of that God awful juice.' Just leave me be!"

What the fuck is wrong with you, Carly? God you're such a fuck up, Carly.

"Carly, I-"

Carly couldn't stay to hear Charolette's response; the worried tone of the word 'Carly' was already too heavy of a cross to bear.

But, oddly enough, screaming at Charolette, and pushing her best friend away, it made Carly feel better. It made her feel in control. The same way starving, putting it bluntly, made her feel in control,

God. She was an awful person.