Speechless

My fear of loving

Here I sit, typing away on my phone; the cold air conditioner blows my flushed cheeks. My hair disorganised and in a messy bun.

I sit at the very front of the bus beside the driver, my headphones block out the sounds around me. My heart feels heavy and it seems as if my breath has shortened.

As times goes by, I wonder if love was just not my strong suit.

I want to know what it feels like to be loved, truly appreciated and seen as something not worth losing. To love the correct person and not someone who would kill me in the end, someone who'd appreciate my flaws and knew what pudding flavour I liked.

To be heard and to be understood, to be fulfilled and not driven with lust. To not be shown as a trophy but as a partner, to be a person and not someone used for pleasure; to be complimented with full sincerity..

To be truly loved.

To not be the second option or merely a rumour. To have someone who would grieve for me as much as I would do for them; someone who would heal me from my "past" mistake.

I wished that many were "the one", but I was always proven wrong. The people I've chosen were always wrong; damaging me to the core.

The people I've loved, either stab me in the back or turn back to me; but once they do, it's too late.

I'm not just an object you can pick up to use and toss away when you're done, or a trophy just to show others that you "have" someone.

My heart is wrapped with caution tape, hurt and shattered, but once in love so easily influenced. Loving someone can feel like sunshine, but even on the hottest days there are storms.

My heart is confused, my brain puzzled.

I've met a few new people, people who I seem to connect with; close to my heart and butterfly inducing...but will they fix and fulfill this heart which I longed to keep safe?

I don't want love that is meaningless, empty and silent. I want love with a flame, a spark which I shared with those who I truly love. Crushes are one thing, but loving someone is another.

Earlier this year I had felt this feeling..so engulfed in my emotions which I tried keeping at bay. A guy who I seemed to love so much, 4 months of constant nagging at the back of my head..went downhill as quickly as it started.

I loved him, I really did. I cried myself to sleep thinking of what we could have been..if only he weren't someone's already.

I've never felt so much love pour out of my body, leaving it lifeless and scarred. I felt betrayed, envying the girl which he had chosen over me.

I would sit and question my friends why he was the way he is, but the truth is he just never liked me. I was far too blinded by my thoughts and personal feelings to see the picture in full view.

Oh how I loved him...

he was my muse.

After the fatal rejection I was back in my corner, looking for other people to see to block him out of my head.

He was different to say the least, my sister said that I probably loved him more than I did my boyfriend at the time.

Although me and the said "boyfriend" are no longer together, I do reminisce our past experiences. All the little things, but ultimately realising I was never satisfied in the end.

I'll admit it, I did have someone else in mind whilst he was still around. I had jumped into a relationship far too quick, trying to forget the first guy which I had crazed over. There was love, but not the love which I had for the first.

I stopped talking to the first guy after I had gotten together with my ex, but in my mind he lingered. Like a soft tune whistling its way in an empty room.

I always wondered what he was up to, I wasn't hurting as much as I was when I had been alone..but even then I wasn't sure if my feelings for my ex were really those which would stick.

It's funny how both me and my ex were getting over people at the time..both lonely and needed company. It was a coincidence people like us came together.

My heart broke when we split up, but even then I was only missing our memories as a couple. Did I miss him? Fuck no lmao.

It then begged the question whether I was truly happy, if the love for the first guy was really the most genuine out of all.

I had someone else in mind when we were together, why did the first guy make me feel this way? He made me feel like there was a piece of home right by me.

I had just moved to another state and he had come from my hometown too. Seeing him was a breath of fresh air.

I could lie and say I don't think of him, but truth to be told I do. Maybe not in a romantic way, just in a way of how it would've been if I hadn't dated my ex and I tried and tried again with him.

A hopeless romantic with no sense of direction, the fear of love questioning whether I can truly love someone again.

I don't know what I'm feeling or if I'm even interested in anyone right now...but who knows, maybe I will get the kdrama ending which I longed for all this time. Minus the crazy second male lead and love triangle bullshit.