Speechless

Your absence, my reward.

The day starts as it usually does, the morning dew moistens my windows. My four-thirty morning alarm rings, my phones vibrations make soft zapping noises on my cold wooden floors.

My arm lazily turned off the buzzing phone as my eyes slowly adjust to the dark surroundings. The doors silhouette is dimly lit with the hallways lights just behind it.

I did my usual morning routine, showering, brushing my teeth & getting ready. I stare at my emotionless face in the mirror towards me; stretching my underlid, I placed clear contact lenses in.

Something felt different today, having been absent from class for a week; I was refreshed. Although in better condition, the anxiety boiling in me was murmuring.

The music in my headphones felt clearer, the music playing felt more lively. I wasn't particularly affected by the lyrics anymore.

***

The cool air brushed against my skin. Hopping off the bus, I felt a deep breath of relief. At first I wasn't sure why, but I think I know why now.

During assembly I didn't see you in the crowd, your distinguishable hair was nowhere in sight. That trembling feeling had somewhat disappeared.

During the days you aren't here, nowhere in sight or nowhere to be heard; my sense of self is grounded.

I felt so free.

Your voice has become a nuisance, your presence has become a curse and your laugh has become one which I've learnt to resent.

My subconscious has learnt to not need you anymore, nor your attention. I'm getting over it...slowly but surely.

I remind myself that we've both gone on our own roads, sometimes crossing paths from time to time. But even then, I've crossed you out like white noise.

Although looking at videos of you, I feel a sense of regret that I ever fell for you; I've started to see it more as a lesson.

I've taken time to reflect on my actions, changing and accepting my mistakes. Though I joke about what had happened, I truly still believe that it helped shape my heart & feelings in ways which I never thought were possible.

I learnt more on what I look for in a partner, what I look for in a relationship.

I've grown to appreciate the days of silence, treating what has happened as a reflection. Though I get confused on how I feel at times, it'll all make sense in the end.

Sometimes the way you treated me, may be different to that of others; but I have found people who can fulfil my heart to its fullest content.

One of them is sweet, understanding, and overall funny. I find their actions and words adorable; even when they tease me from time to time about my ability to fall asleep anywhere, anytime.

Getting closer to this friend has made me feel much more reflective of what had happened.

Because without our fuck ups, this friendship wouldn't have prospered. Without your immaturity, stupidity and overall questionable personality; I wouldn't have found this said friend.

They're rather mysterious, not outgoing like you are. Humble and grounded, silent yet outwardly individual. They make me wonder who the person within their heart is, why this sweet personality hadn't come out earlier before.

Understanding this friend was like a quest which required time and care. You were an open book, having nothing hidden with torn pages in between.

They're someone which I struggle to read, someone who I am keen on understanding even more each day.

I see our common interests and differences as our strength, I feel more understood and heard.

I enjoy spending time with them, the small moments which we keep to ourselves. My annoyance constantly following them from behind.

So weirdly, thank you for being the hot mess that you are. Without it I wouldn't be here today. I wouldn't have found this gem of a friend.

Though I wonder what you're up to time to time, your absence has made me happier. I enjoy this quiet school life, with sounds of laughter, lack of gossip and cheeky glances from friends (usually because of something I feel like I can only disclose in later chapters haha).

Fuck, life can be so confusing yet so rewarding.

I'm a mess but at least I'm content. Though with a few loose screws and a decline in mental health, I have never felt better.