Out of the dark and into your light

Chapter 7: visit home

Here I am once again stood in front of a place I used to call home but it doesn't feel like a home anymore. This places holds memories,memories that i should look back on and smile about except I don't. Coming back here feels like torture it's nothing but a place that used to have so much love and life but all off that got ripped away the day Josh died this place is nothing but a reminder of what used to be.

Truth is Josh was always the favourite my parents  would always prioritise him over me but I didn't mind as long as I had Josh by my side nothing mattered. Don't get me wrong i still had a good relationship with my parents they would always do things for me too but they clearly prioritised Josh more but ever since he passed they changed they were different towards me they were cold. Every time they looked at me I could see the hatred they had formed for me deep in their eyes they would barely talk to me only if it was necessary they would snap at me for things I didn't even do but what hurt the most was that they stopped caring for me it was like I didn't exist anymore. It hurt more than words could describe they blame me I know it alough they have never told me to my face I know they do. Hell I blame myself It was my fault he died that night and I deserved to be blamed.

Letting out a shaky breath I walk up the drive and with a shaky hand knock on the door. I haven't spoken to my parents in months i would call text but only to be met with an I'm busy texts or most of the time nothing at all. I stand there for a few seconds which felt like hours before the door opens and the face of my mother appears. Her eyes darker than what they used to be a pair eyes that used to hold so much joy and life now gone because of me.

"What are you doing here Riley" she asks looking me in the eyes for a split second before she tears them away from me shifting her focus onto the floor. Ouch

"I came to see you" I say trying to find the eyes of my mother but her focus remains solely on the floor. "I've missed you."

I was met with nothing but silence, a silence that hurt in ways I can't describe. "Can I come in" I ask hoping that i can get to spent some time with them.

"I guess so adam's in the living room" she says slightly hesitant with her answer before she opens the door revealing the inside of my childhood home.

I walk in past my mother who still refuses to make any sort of eye contact with me. All of the the memories come flooding back to me the times me and my brother would race up and down the stairs annoying are parents in the process and them complaining about us being to noisy. I'd do anything to go back to that time a time when I didn't feel all the pain and guilt I Carry around every day a time when I still had him by my side. I can feel my eyes glass up but i won't cry I refuse to cry not here not when it's my fault all of this happened. Instead I make my way into the living room taking a seat on the sofa next to my dad who glances at me his expression cold and i can see him tense a bit curling his hands into a fist taking a swing of his bear before returning his gaze back to the tv.

I haven't had the best relationship with my dad since Josh he was angry all the time. He found comfort in drinking. I get it because so did I but his drinking led to him being aggressive often flying into a fit of rage out of nowhere sometimes hitting me in the process. I didn't blame him for it tho not once although I may have lost my brother he also lost his son and it was my fault so i deserved it every hit every punch i deserved.

"Hey dad" I say trying to start a conversation hoping that he will at least acknowledge my existence.

"Riley what are you doing here" he says his focus still remaining on the tv. Mirroring the exact question my mother asked me not even 2 minutes ago.

"I had a free day thought I would come visit you guys" I say feeling the tension in the air. He doesn't reply just takes another swig of his bear leaving me sat here not knowing what to do or say. My mother no longer here she hasn't bothered to come into the living to join us.

"Footballs going good we played Chelsea the other day smashed them got myself a hatrick on my debut" I say hoping for my dad to tell me his proud of me but this seemed to have made him mad.

"Is this what you came here for to tell me about your football career I don't care Riley" he snaps his tone laced with venom I feel my heart break and a few tears start to fall down my cheek.

"Don't give me the water works Riley not after what you have put me and your mother through" he shouts standing up from the sofa towering over me. The tears now freely flowing down my face.

"Why can't you just be proud of me" I whispered my voice breaking a bit. He laughs a laugh that breaks my heart into a million pieces.

"Proud" he pauses taking a swig of his bear and lets another evil laugh out. "I'll never be proud of you Riley I hate you for what you did you killed are son your own brother because you thought it would be a good idea to sneak out and let him climb onto the ledge of a building" he says stepping impossibly closer toward me.

My vision blurs my face soaked with tears he said it he blames me. I already knew they did but hearing it is different. I feel like I've truly lost my parents now. I'm alone in this world nobody cares about me.

"Get out and don't come back your no daughter of mine" he shouts his tone full of nothing but hatred. Hatred towards me and what I have done.

I leave the house and just walk I don't know where to but I just walk. They hate me they truly hate me. I don't feel anything I feel numb. The tears have now stopped. I walk and walk until I end up at a familiar place a place where I spend most of my days.

"Hey Josh" I say just staring at his gravestone  that reads josh jones a friend a son and a sister. I don't feel like I deserve to be on the gravestone anymore. I do nothing but just stare repeating the words sister over and over again. I'm no sister a sister world of held onto him tighter a sister would have pulled him off the edge of that building the second he went over.

Hours pass and the sun begins to set I find myself walking again. My destination unknown my feet moving but I don't know where I'm going I can't think i can't do anything I feel trapped. I feel Lifeless.

I find myself walking up the familiar drive of my house. Before I can open the door it flys open and  I'm met with Leah a relieved look washes over her face.

"Where have you been Riley I've been worried sick" she says her tone full of relief. I don't respond I don't have the strength to talk I do nothing but walk past her ignoring the concerned looks she's giving me and make my way upstairs into my room.

"Riley what's wrong" Leah says opening my door just seconds after I closed it. She broke my rule but I don't have the strength to shout at her for it I simply just don't care anymore.

Again I don't respond I just lie on my bed and stare blankly at the wall. I give up I'm done hiding how I feel. I don't have anybody anymore.