Unnatural Instinct: Alone

14.

I've thought about babies before. I know that rabbits and deer and bears have them. And I know that it involves two of the same species. But I've never really known the specifics. How it's actually done. My mother taught me almost nothing. I know nothing.

It seems so obvious now. Males don't carry the babies. Females do. He implants one into her. By the next season there's a litter of babies. We could have a litter by spring! You try to stand but I take your wrist and pull you back down.

'Don't go,' I say.

I'll never be alone again. There could be so many of us. It makes my heart soar.

'Let go!'

I release you and you fall back into the pelts. I've seen how it's done in nature. How the animals do it: the deer and bears and rabbits. We could do it right now! Turning you over, I wriggle over the top of you. No. That's not right. I have to remove your pants first. I yank them down. You scream and lash back wth your hand, slapping me in the face.

I jerk backwards.

Scrambling to your feet, you pull up your pants. 'What the hell are you doing?'

'I'm sorry. I just—I just ... that's what you're supposed to do.'

You gaze at me like I'm an idiot. My face grows hot with embarrassment and shame. What have I done wrong?

'Well, what if I don't want it?'

I blink in confusion. 'You don't—you don't want it?' I realise my pants are at my knees and I quickly pull them up.

'You can't just attack me like that!' You're looking upset as you rake your trembling fingers through your lovely hair. 'I shouldn't be here, I shouldn't be here.' Your face has drained of colour but your eyes are wide and bright. 'What the hell am I doing?'

I don't know what's come over me. I don't know why I did that. I'm shaking. Something turns over in my stomach and I leap to my feet and vomit in the corner. I wipe my mouth.

My pants drop again and I quickly pull them back up. 'Please, I'm sorry. I won't do it again. I'm sorry.'

Your face is hard as you continue to stare at me in that terrible way.

'You're—you're not going to leave, are you?' The thought makes my heart skip several beats.

'I don't know. How can I trust you?'

'You can trust me! I just—I just don't know a lot.'

'Men do this. Men do this sort of thing back in the village. In the end, you're just like them. But what am I supposed to do? There's nothing I can do. You've trapped me. You've trapped all of us.'

I blink, confused. 'You're not trapped. You can—you can always leave.' I point at the entrance. 'It's open.'

You shake your head.

'I'm sorry,' I say again. 'Please, don't go. I can't—' I clear my throat '—I don't want you to go. I can't be alone again. I can't.'

You're watching me quietly. My heart leaps as you come over and take my hand.

You sigh.

'You're sad,' I say.

You bite down on your lip as it trembles.

'Don't be sad,' I say.

Your frown turns into a wobbly smile. Then you stand on your tiptoes and peck me on the lips.

'I'm sorry,' I say again.

'You're forgiven.'

The rest of the day we get along fine. It kind of feels like the first day, not as close as the second but that's okay. You're still here and that's all that matters. I actually manage to slaughter a deer. You watch closely, kneeling beside me as I skin and quarter it.

'How long did it take you to learn this?' you ask.

I shrug. 'I don't know. I feel like I've always known it.' You help me carry the carcass piecemeal back to the cave. 'We have to be quick or the bears will come.'

We work well as a team as you help me cook it. You're smiling and even laughing as you carve the flesh from the bone. You're touching me again too, shoulder brushing against mine, our knees pressed together. You kiss me on the cheek a couple of times and it makes me smile. The smiles come easily to me now. It's as though the morning never happened.

But my favourite part of the day, by far, is the night. Having you wrapped up in my arms and tucked away against me makes me feel prickly and tingly all over. Every time you move, I shift along with you, repositioning my embrace so that I can feel the most of you at every point. Any anger you had for me earlier that day has vanished. It hurts though—being close to you. I want to do more, though I'm not sure exactly what that means.

Moonlight is filtering in through the smoke hole. The dying flames of our fire flash and dance against the walls. The smell of the cooked deer seems to permeate everything. On a normal day, I would be doing my very best to gorge myself on as much as I can before it starts to rot, but my appetite seems to have vanished.

I've hardly eaten at all.

You're lying on your side amid my pelts, facing away from me, your back pressed up against my front, your backside pushed up against my pelvis. You're very quiet but I know you're awake. Though I can smell the deer everywhere, your smell is even stronger. I can't define exactly what you smell like but it's enough to make me press my nose into your hair. Maybe flowers. Maybe the woods. Definitely something sweet. It makes my mouth water even more than the deer.

'Lance.'

'Yes?'

'Are you tired?'

'No.'

'You can't sleep?'

I shake my head.

Slowly, you turn in my arms. You look into my eyes, then lean in and kiss me on the mouth. I kiss back gently.

'Are you okay?' you murmur. 'About this morning?'

'I am if you are.'

You smile. I suck in a breath with a shiver as you trace your fingers along the bone in my shoulder. You pull in close, pressing your face into my sternum. I tighten my arms around your body. My heart is pounding so hard I can feel it in my throat.

Then you shift and I feel you pressing your lips against the side of my neck. My eyes widen. Something spasms between my legs and I grunt. Warm heat fills my pants.

'What's wrong?'

'Nothing.'

You pull away to gaze in my eyes again, and I can see that you're thinking about something, considering something. You clearly come to a decision because you suddenly pull off your shirt. I stare. You stare.

'Reach behind me,' you whisper. 'Take off my bra.'

I reach over but my fingers are so thick and my hands are shaking so hard I can't seem to get it undone. The air rattles in my chest. I can hardly think straight, see straight. I'm so dizzy.

My hands shake harder. 'I can't—'

Then something gives and your bra loosens. I help you to pull it away, my fingertips brushing against your soft skin. It's hard to breathe. I'm panting and yet I don't seem to be able to get the air down into my lungs.

'Touch me,' you say.