Flowers without fresh water will die. Poetry writing entries.

Eat.

TW: EATING DISORDER
mentions of religion

I hate eating, I wish I could starve myself.
But then I remember when I was younger, food made me so sick, I watched my mom put away food I couldn't have, I would walk down the stairs at night and find the hidden food on the shelf.

I prayed, to be able to eat normally, to not be as skinny, to eat all the food I couldn't.
I could not wait to be healthy and eat all the food I shouldn't.

I took a piece of candy stashed away, snapped and ate the pieces savoring each bite.
The pain I went through to be able to eat, I would even wake in the dead of night.

Now, the pain still lingers, but despite the fact I am more healthy, food still causes a different kind of ache.
I still wish I could eat everything because I love food, and the memories it holds, but I force myself to be full with just one plate.

I skip breakfast and meals when I can, being thinner takes up more than half my mind.
I could sit and pick at everything I hate about myself, forgetting those who had the same features, I just don't see the beauty they claim to find.

I know God made me in His image and He adores me.
But someday it's just so hard to see.

My thoughts eat more than I do, they eat away at the being of my soul.
They start when I'm not even half way done with my bowl.

"Stop being a pig" "skinny girls eat less" hunger is temporary, but this feeling never stops.
I hate going places with my skinnier friends, when they whine about having to go up to a medium at different dress shops.

The look I get when my plates to big, their eyes pierce through my soul, and voices in my head begin.
Of course they wouldn't do this if I was thin.

I want to be beautiful, I want a better body, less tired eyes, my personality feels to dull, I wish my hair laid right and looked perfectly neat.
But most of all, I wish I felt confident enough to eat.

-a hungry Ilona Darling...