A Game of Colours

Chapter 32: Sorry

I laugh at nothing at all, studying the details on his face.

"I'm sorry," he says.

***

I sit there for a moment, debating on how utterly useless the word sorry is. It means nothing--only making the past a source of grief and giving the future a terrifying outlook that things can never get better.

I'm sorry for getting caught when we were being kidnapped from home. I'm sorry for ever leaving Jackson Plantation. I'm sorry for leaving Tom. I'm sorry for landing myself at  Whitley Plantation. I'm sorry for letting Isaac die. I'm sorry that he was killed trying to protect me when I was supposed to be protecting him. Sometimes...I'm even sorry for meeting Jarrah. Maybe we'd all be alive if I hadn't. 

Worst of all? I'm sorry for being who I am. A hot-tempered asshole who has a habit of hurting the people who care about her and whose emotions make her reckless and dangerous.

I'm so sorry.

So when he says that he's sorry, I'm left to wonder about what.

"I am too, Jarrah," I sigh, pulling away from him, "sorry for a lot of things."

"I never should have gotten separated from you. That's what started all this," he sighs.

"This started a long time ago and it was waiting to happen," I say bitterly.

"How did he die?" he asks me quietly, nervous for a response.

"Stabbed in the back, literally and figuratively."

He waits for further explanation.

"I killed him," I say bluntly. I close my eyes, unable to watch his reaction, but I feel his body go tense.

"No, you didn't," he says in an instant.

"Don't act like you care anyway, I know you never liked him," I laugh bitterly, "and he died trying to save you."

"You didn't kill him, Alice," he insists.

I stiffen.

"No, you're right, I didn't. It was you. You selfish, ungrateful, cocky bastard. You killed him! If you hadn't gotten yourself arrested, I would never have had to go back there and Isaac would be alive instead of you. Happy?"

"Don't talk like that, Alice. There was nothing we could've done for him."

"It doesn't matter how I talk because it happened, so stop shoving my feelings down my throat as if I'll forget the truth."

"There's nothing we can do for him now, either. Don't let his death destroy you."

"What do you know about death?" I shout, "I've lost my entire family, but for some reason I never seem to die. I hate it. I hate this running and hiding, and I'm bloody sick of--."

The door creaks open to reveal Jim.

"Out, Jarrah. This is why I didn't want you to see her."

He hesitates for a moment, before making his way towards the door.

"I'll be around princess," he says, grasping the wooden frame for a moment before shutting the door behind him.

***

I wake up bitter and restless. Unable to lie in bed any longer, I call Lewis for help.

The door swings open a moment later.

"Alright, Alice?"

"Depends on your definition of alright," I sigh.

"Well, you're not bleeding and your limbs are intact. I'd say you're doing pretty good."