A Game of Colours

Chapter 35: Goodbye

A/N: TY GUYS SO SO MUCH FOR 9K! :) IT MEANS THE WORLD <3 Enjoy!

"I want to know," I say slowly, "about you and Marianna. Before we do anything else, I need to know what happened." 

"You already know what happened, Alice. This has nothing to do with her."

"This has everything to do with her. You wanted to take her to Paris too, and when she didn't agree you left her behind without another word," I spit coldly.

He flinches.

"Tell me," I repeat.

Jarrah sighs. "We were in love. We were going to run away together. The army was a stuffy place that we just couldn't handle being in, and it was the only opportunity I had to get away from my father. She really understood me and what I wanted to do. But our dreams were different, she had her own ideas. It would never work. I had to leave her. She wanted a family, and a life here—I realized she would only tie me down."

"What about me?" I whisper shakily, "will I tie you down?"

He stares at me with his unreadable green eyes, then turns away.

"I don't know what to think any more. I don't know what I want, only who. You."

I shake my head. "You want your freedom. I'm a burden to you. It'll be the same thing as with her, you'll realize I'm not what you want or need. Face it, I've been tying you down since the moment you freed me. It's like I gave you my chains to carry."

"That's not true," he says quickly, "please, don't say that."

"But it is," I insist, getting up from the bed to face him. "You have so many dreams. You can do so much more away from here—away from your father, and away from someone who'll be running from the law for the rest of her life. It's not what you want."

It is then, in a brief, flashing moment, that I realize the path I have to take.

"We can figure this out," he insists, "in Paris. Away from everyone and everything here. You can be free there—"

"No. You can be free there. I've realized something. I've changed. I'm not the girl that ran away from Jackson Plantation any more. I'm not afraid to fight back any more. They can't hurt me if I don't care about the pain. I'm making a decision, and I know it's right. I owe it to these people—they helped me! Now I have to help the others. Until every damn slave in this country is free, I can't leave it knowing that thousands of people are resigned to this. To the fate that Isaac had."

"I'll wait, then."

"Jarrah," I plead, eyes watering. "We both know this is what's best. I've never known what I wanted until now; all I needed was to get away from the people who took me away from everything I loved. I was born free and I want to help make a country where everyone else is too."

"You're just one person. You don't mean anything to them—they won't even know who you are and you're risking your lives for them. But to me...God damn it. I've never admitted to you because I can't say it to myself...and yet, I've known it all along."

"Known what?" I ask, clinging to his every word.

"I love you, Alice. I love your bravery and your beauty and your loyalty and if I get on that train without you tomorrow, I'll never forgive myself."

"And if you don't get on that train tomorrow, I'll never forgive myself."

"Fuck, Alice, why do you have to be so difficult?"

"Was Marianna being difficult too? Is that why you left?" I say challengingly.

"No no no, please don't do this, you don't want to do this."