• eternity •

Chapter 1

Pain.

All I ever known in my life was indeed pain. My skin felt like glass on the brink of being shattered into a million tiny fragments. My throat burned from constant regurgitation and my eyes strained and painted the color red from coughing harshly. I was the age of 18 when this all began and now I reached at the peak of age 27. Surprisingly. I have been told multiple times how lucky I am to still have oxygen flowing through my lungs. I have had so many death sentences I can't even count on both of my hands anymore how many I have heard but of course, there always something or someone who makes ways for anything. You would think God would the answer for that but no, it's my parents. With my dad owning his own electrician company and my mom being a superintendent at the local school district where I was raised, they have paid thousands of dollars to doctors to make sure I make it through this. Though there has been plenty of time where I have told my parents to let me go and I wanted to be pain free, they won't listen. Being that also I am the only child, they'd pay good money for the best doctors there is. I sometimes wonder how would there life be if I wasn't here anymore. Would I be better or worse but I have to remember I am meant to be here for something I don't know of just yet because if I wasn't, I wouldn't be breathing at this very moment now. I have to remind myself all the time how I have a purpose because I have days where I want to just give up on myself but I can't bring myself to do it. I've already been through enough pain as it is. I also couldn't put my parents through that pain if finding me in such conditions. That would kill them both and I would hate to set up to where they would have to find me. When we first found out I was sick, my mom was the most devastated. She blamed herself and still does and til this day I have no idea why. It's not like she did anything to give it to me. It would make sense if I got it as soon as she had me but like I said, I didn't get diagnosed until the age of 18. Imagine how terrifying that was for me. I had just graduated high school and I had planned on going to college in another state but as soon as I was prepping for which college I was going to choose, I was told I had stage 3 chronic myeloid leukemia. Strange thing is, before I was diagnosed I had no symptoms, no pain, I was the happiness and felt the healthiest. Until one night, I was out with my boys from my neighborhood and I felt an ache that I never want to feel again. I believe that was probably the worst pain I have felt since I was diagnosed. I was immediately rushed to the hospital because the pain was so excruciating, it had me screaming to the top of my lungs. I scared the shit out of my friends and they sped quickly to the hospital dialing my parents in to fill them in on what happened and it went from there. That entire week had to been the worst week of my life. I had decided not to go to the college I had preferred out of state and just did online classes at a community college in my hometown instead. I felt embarrassment, lonely I mean my friends did come by whenever they could but we all had planned to leave the state to go to college so they all left to move on with their lives without me. I was jealous but I was also happy for every single one of them. My best friend, Reece, asked me did I want him to stay with me and he just picked a college in the area as well so I wouldn't be alone but I couldn't take his dreams from him just because I was lonely. That wouldn't be right of me to stop his life just because I had to stop mines due to unfortunate circumstances. He went on and since then, it's just been me and my parents. They come back home whenever they can due to holidays but that's rare. As time went by and we all got older and had different interests now, it was best we all just went our separate ways. We still check in one another from time to time but that's expected. They have had kids now and some are married as well. No, I haven't had to privilege to find love like they have to to be honest, with everything I doubt I will. Who wants to deal with somebody who's because on a timer and is expected not to live long enough to possibly even fall in love with? That'll be a waste of time honestly. I wouldn't want to deal with all my bullshit anyways.

The piercing pinch of a needle brings me out of my thoughts. " Ow " , I said looking up at Nurse Jenny. " I'm sorry Zeke, I missed your vein " , she said. I rolled my eyes at sighed. Nurse Jenny has been my nurse since all this turmoil came knocking at my door. She was a a younger then I mean... not too young but she wasn't as old as she is now. Back then, she wouldn't shake like she does now and she didn't make as many mistakes as she does now either. I try to be as nice to her as I can because she's been here with me since day 1 and she was the one who brought my comfort out of all of this. She honestly like a second mom and I wouldn't trade her for nothing. No matter how many time she pricks me in the wrong place. " Okay baby boy, you are all good to go " , Jenny says patting me on my arm. " Thanks Jen " , I said dryly. She looked at me with an arched eyebrow and placed a hand on her hip. " And what's your problem? " she asked. I sighed while putting my sweater back on. " Nothing, just ready to go home is all " , I expressed leaning on the door way to the lab. " You need to get out that dam- I mean that ' darn ' apartment for a chance " , she pointed. I rolled my eyes and had to prepare myself mentally for this repeated attack from her. " What if I don't want to go anywhere? Have that ever crossed your mind? " , I pushed at her. " Well I don't know why not. Hell you rotting away in that place doing the same thing over and over again " Jenny argued. To be honest, there has been plenty of time where I could go out and have a drink, which I shouldn't but I would anyway, and have a good time but it's just something about going alone, that makes me change my mind. I'm a grown ass man of course but I'd still feel more comfortable being there with somebody I knew. Though Jenny got in my nerves about doing something with my life, I do think it's time I start living at least a little bit before I get covered in dirt. One of my favorite bands are performing at a club tonight and tbh I can't miss this opportunity at all. I got my ticket early and I plan on getting there to be front and center. " Well if I do find something to do or somewhere to go, I'll tell you all about it. See ya later Jen " , I waved goodbye to her and left out the room before she could respond. EVERYTIME I come here for my blood work, she getting on to me about something. Even though I get tired of hearing her yapping, I know she's just doing it because she cares.

Turning the corner out to the lab I head to the front desk to check out and set up my next appointment. I get the flirty eyes from the receptionists behind the counter but I always ignore them. It gets annoying when I try to get my paperwork and they try their best to make sure our skin connects. Whenever our skin does connect, I feel nothing. I haven't felt a spark with someone since I was in fucking high school. The women these days just have nothing I want and quite frankly, it's annoying. I have convinced myself that I will die from this disease lonely as fuck. Being that I feel like I'm too damn old to just be fucking on randoms, I do want to feel committed to someone but as I said before, I don't want to put anyone through the pain of losing me. It's quite selfish but I do want to be tied ti someone. Soul tied. I want to feel the love of being with someone and not being able to breathe unless they are near but whatever. I don't get out the house enough to find a person anyways and I'm pretty sure nobody wants to be with somebody who stares into the possibility of death everyday. The grim reaper is literally in my shadow every step I take, I don't need to traumatize anyone.

Walking to my car, I feel my phone buzzing in my pocket notifying me that a call through. I pull it out and notice it's my mom based on the caller id. Answering with a sigh, I prepare for her routinely questioning after I leave one of my appointments. " Yeah mom? " , I say. " How was today? " she asks after clearing her throat. " It was alright other than Jen missed my vein and pricked me in the wrong spot " , I said. Sighing annoyingly, my mom got quiet and I can tell she was about to go in on Jenny. She always felt the needed to put with another nurse since Jenny has gotten older and she's not as careful as she used to be but I told her not to make a big deal out of it. " Mom, leave it alone.. you know how she is " , I say reassuring her. " I wish you would stop making excuses for her. Your life is in her hands and she needs to stop making mistakes " , my mom shouts. " Look just- leave it alone. It's fine.. ", I say leaving it at that. The line gets quiet. I roll my eyes now cranking up my car cause I know now she's in one of her fucked up moods. Now I have to do something to bring her spirits up. " I'm going out tonight. A club. The Showmakers are going to be there " , I tell her. " Your favorite band? Why are they finally coming here? " , she asks. " I have no idea but took them long enough " , I say. " You're going by yourself? " , she questions. " Yeah, who else I'm going to go with me? " , I asked annoyingly. " Are you- " , I stop her. " I'm going, mom " , I sternly say. "Okay, okay. Could you j-just keep telling me when you leave and w-when you get home and everything? " , she stutters. I knew then she was sickly worried about me going out. I haven't been anywhere like a club since before I had found out I had this sickness but I knew she knew I was not going to miss out on the opportunity of seeing my favorite band. It's just for one night. After all this time. I'm sure I'd be more than okay.