For You

ch 2: breathe

One.

Two.

Three.

It hurts.

Breathe.

It hurts like hell.

My eyes flash open. Breathe. I'm hyperventilating, my pulse is probably running 200, and cold sweat is trickling into rivers down my back. I can't breathe. Breathe. 

Finally, fresh air bursts into my oxygen-deprived lungs, and the wave of nausea and darkness begins to fade. 

The first thing I notice is that I'm in my room. The plushies I've collected over the years surround me, and on the nightstand sits my clock, a stack of worn books, and the matching bracelet Cai gave me. The second thing I notice is I'm in my bed. I shoot up straight, still gasping. The third thing I notice is the goddamn alarm song my phone is blasting. "CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP WAKE UP NOW YOU LAZY ASSHOLE WAKE UP NOW YOU LAZY ASSHOLE CHIRP—"

Instincts kick in, and I immediately hit the "snooze" button. God, if I'm dead why do alarm clocks still exist? I catch a whiff of the pandan pancakes sizzling downstairs—the ones that Caius makes when he crashes at my place, and my stomach grumbles. God, I could eat a horse right now. I begrudgingly climb out of bed and accidentally hit the bedpost with my shin. Pain blasts my lower right leg, I curse the stars, and then it hits.

If I'm dead, why can I still feel? I'm starving, sweating an ocean, in pain, and feel terrible. One hundred times worse than in eighth grade, when Cai forced me to join a triathlon and I passed out at the finish line, panting, woozy, and nauseous.

A voice breaks me out of my trance. "Hey rat, get down. I made breakfast for us." I swivel towards the voice. 

I blink twice. A dead person is staring at me. My favorite person in the world who died a few minutes ago is staring at me. "Why are you here? Wait, no. If I'm alive then you're probably alive too. Wait, but we just died. What the fuck so we're alive. Wait fuck what is going?"

Cai cuts in. "Rat, what are you talking about? I came to your house yesterday night and stayed over, remember? It's June 30th silly. Your birthday." He gives a half-smile to me, dimples showing.

I swallow. "Repeat that."

"Um, it's your birthday?"

I shake my head, "No no no, before that. What day is it?"

He quirks his head to the side, and puts a smooth, cold hand on my forehead. "No fever, okay. Rat, it's June 30th. 8 AM cuz we're gonna go spend time together, remember."

I let in a quick gasp. If I'm not dead, Cai isn't dead, it's June 30th, 8 AM, does that not mean I've just returned in time? I hold my breath in and count to ten.

Release. "Okay, okay, okay." I shake my head again, this time in disbelief. I'm a fucking time traveler. I laugh like a maniac, press my hands to my temples, and stare at Cai. "Okay, HAHAHA, okay, okay."

Cai stares at me, deadpan. "Yena, you're not okay. What's going on?"

I'm keeled over now, holding my stomach because I've laughed too hard. Tears are dripping out of my eyes, and I'm still laughing. Amidst my emotional breakdown, I let out, "HAHAHA Cai, you won't believe this. You just died. HAHAHHAHA. Someone killed you. HAHAHAHA. And me. We're both dead. HAHAHAHA."

"Hahaha that's so funny." My laughter is slowly easing, and Cai pulls me in for a hug, then steps back with his trademark half-smile. "Okay, so you have ten minutes to get dressed, and then we're going out." Without turning back, he steps into the hallway and slams the door shut with a thud. I hear him yell, "Oh also! Wipe that drool of your face, won't you?"

I blush, my ears heating up. Shit, I must look terrible now. If I'm dead I'm most definitely in hell, with my own personal punishment being my crush seeing me look like a waterlogged beaver with its whiskers pulled out. I squeeze my eyes shut. "Fuck."

Manic episode aside, reality is starting to hit in. What happened to us wasn't something I'd dreamed up. It couldn't be—it felt so real. The blood pouring out, the glassy eyes, the perpetual half-smile, the cold ocean breeze, the sand in my face, the blood, the blood, the blood—

Breathe.

So if we both die a few hours now at the beach, then I just need to prevent our deaths. I groan and sit on the floor. Easier said than done.

---

Thirty minutes later, I'm downstairs, eating Caius's pandan pancakes and watching him wolf his breakfast down. Have I ever mentioned how perfect his hands are? It's like fucking Michelangelo rose back from the dead, no pun intended, just to sculpt Caius Gold's fingers as his penultimate piece. "Rat, you're twenty minutes late." 

"You have nice hands," I reply. "And yes, I'm twenty minutes late because you really don't want to see me in my homeless fit today, so I'm not sorry Cai." I give him a cheery smile.

He shrugs. "Fair, although couldn't tell this," he looks me over with a smirk, "isn't your homeless fit."

I flip him off and roll my eyes. "Thanks, Cai. It's my birthday, and you can't even give me something like, 'Oh, Yena! You're so beautiful!' No, nothing like that?"

He puts down his food and stares me in the eye. Like a light switch has been flipped off, all emotions are wiped off his face. There's something off about Caius. His eyes, usually a rich amber, are almost pitch-black. He's radiating an aura of coldness. He looks untouchable, gorgeous. Slowly, he reaches out a hand and caresses my face. In a soft whisper that's sexier than I'd like to admit, he tells me, "Do you think there's life after death? Because you're about to kill me with that look." Then he leans in, uses one index to finger to boop my nose, and the switch flips back on. Eyes are back gold again, he's the Cai I think I've known since forever. He bursts into laughter. "GOD, you should see your face, rat."

I already know how pink I am. My heartbeat's probably racing as high as it was in the morning, and my fingers are tightly curled up on the sides of my chair. He knows he has me. And even though I know this exact same conversation happened a couple hours ago, before we went to the ocean and both died, I'm still reacting the exact same way. I flip him off again.

"Okay fine, Yena. You look pretty today." Another half-smile. "Like you always do."

My fingers clench a little tighter and I just know Cai is having a field day watching me overreact. I just need to pretend like everything's okay. Because if I told him the truth—we're going to die in exactly thirteen hours and oh, did I mention I also confessed to you and you never gave me a fucking response—who would believe that? 

Finally, I say in my chillest idgaf voice, "So, where to?"