Before The End

Stoic

Kenji leaves occasionally, as the hours pass by. Not for long, just a few minutes and then he's back sitting in the same position.

At one point, everyone else in the room left to go eat at the dining tent, but I'm not too keen on leaving things until I'm done.
Kenji didn't question it when I told him, he only left and returned shortly with a meal for each of us.

"You need a break." He says, handing me a plate.
"Thank you." I give him a smile, and take a bite.

Kenji gestures at the computer, "you're building some kinda software right?"

I swallow a spoonful then nod. "Yup."
"Huh. What is it going to actually do? Like I know it's important, but like why?" He asks.

I don't respond immediately, only study him for a moment. Kenji's stormy eyes don't look away from me, his lips curved up in a gentle smile and his head leaned in close, attentively.

Then I do explain the details of what I'm doing, as he listens quietly. Asking some questions too so I'm not sure Kenji understood one hundred percent.

A while later, Castle goes to have a discussion with Nouria about whatever, while I nail all the finishing touches. It would generally take longer than this, a couple of months maybe, to create a system as complex as the one we have. However, Castle and I are both extremely experienced and we did it in two days.

Kenji drops onto his seat beside me.
I'm engrossed by the figures on the monitor before me so I don't speak.

"Nazeera?"

"What?" I ask, still typing away.
Kenji's hand gently tilts my chin to face him, a mild grin on his face.
"Yes?" My eyes dart around out of instinct, inspect the room. Which is empty, we're the only ones here now. Huh.

"You've seriously been giving a machine more attention than you have your own boyfriend." He raises an eyebrow, lets go of me and leans back in his chair.

That's a word I've never thought about associating with myself, and it brings a slight smile to my face when I think about it.

I clear my throat, shrug,
"I didn't realise you were so needy."

Kenji huffs, "well I am. Are you done yet?"
"Almost."

I turn back to the screen, mindful of the way he crosses his arm and stares at me. I quickly wrap up everything, and shut off the computer.

Kenji and I exit the head tent, moonlight shines onto the path in front of us. My arms are holding onto his as we stroll. It's a peaceful night, relaxation is found in each other's silent company.

"I nearly shot Winston's head today."
I give him a look, this is not what I expected him to say.

"How?"
Kenji shrugs, "he gave me this fancy new gun and I thought the safety was on."
"Ah."

Not the most foolish situation for him to be in.
Trust Kenji to hit you with random information at the most abrupt times.
——————————
Kenji unlocks his room door, switches on the light. All of our rooms at the Sanctuary are the same, aside from some minor differences. Our clothes are limited here as well, we need to go grab some more, I think, while looking at Kenji's wardrobe.
Which is open, his monochromatic clothes spilling out.

"You're going to trip over these drawers one day." I say, shutting them then turning around to face him.
As he is removing his shirt.

"Um no I won't. It's more convenient to leave them open." Kenji explains matter of factly, dumping the black fabric onto the floor.

"Huh." I nod, trail my eyes along his body.
He's literally right there watching me.
I really don't have any shame do I?

Kenji says nothing, takes a few paces.
Something has definitely possessed me, as I find myself crushing my mouth to his within a second.

Kenji reacts immediately, gripping my sides while I sigh into his mouth. The kiss is deadly, killing all my brain cells and knocking me out of reality.

We only separate for a moment until Kenji kisses me again, softly yet eagerly.
I stumble backwards and my back hits his mattress.

Kenji moves up a bit until he's also on the bed, right on top of me and kissing me into oblivion.
He directs his lips to my neck, kissing along my collarbone and sucking on my throat while mumbling how beautiful he thinks I am and how he adores me.

I don't think I can breathe, my skin feels like it's molten lava, raging hotter with every kiss. I feel his hand graze my lower abdomen, and it sends shivers up my spine.

He tugs on the bottom of my shirt.
"Can I take this off?" Kenji whispers, now lifting his face so I can see his eyes. His eyes are dark, dark and desperate in a way I've never seen.

That warm feeling burning me alive right now, that intense desire, has taken control over all of my senses.

I nod and sit up a bit while he pulls off my shirt and tosses it onto the floor. He eyes my figure carefully.

Kenji leans down to kiss me again.
"You're so gorgeous."
He peppers small kisses all over my body. His hands run down my torso, outline every inch of me.
It feels surreal.

Then I feel his fingers edge near the strap of my bra and I freeze.

All at once, reality comes crashing down and I regain control of my thoughts. Nope, no.
I become very well aware of my state right now, how exposed I am.
My body goes into fight mode.

Automatically, I jerk back and shoot up. Kenji drops his hands to the sides of the bed and I curl my fists as if preparing for combat.
"Everything okay?"

I pause, take a moment to think.
I'm not used to any of this and right now, it's all very overwhelming.

"I don't want to do this."  I breathe out.
I know I do want him. But it's still new.
All these feelings. I don't understand this stuff, it's confusing.

Kenji nods, stands up again. He hands me my shirt which I hastily put back on.
"Did I cross a line?" He sits beside me, crosses his legs.
I shake my head, attempting to make sense of what I'm feeling right now. Kenji silently watches me as I run my fingers through my hair.

"I don't like being vulnerable, in any way." I say, trying to unravel the interconnecting webs of feelings and thoughts in my head.
"So I freaked out."

"Oh." Kenji moves to rest his back against the headboard so I spin to face him, hug my knees. He looks at me, frowns a bit,
"Did I do something to make you feel uncomfortable?"

I shake my head, "no, I actually feel the most comfortable around you."

Kenji blinks, sits up straighter at my admission.
I draw over the cloth in his blanket, deliberating.
"I still... struggle with intimacy, whether it's physical or emotional."
I can't do relationships. Emotions confuse me.

I'm unfeeling, like a machine
A cold lethal machine

An awful cloud of emotion rains in my mind, one that I don't dare let slip out.
I press my forehead to my knees, shut my eyes.

Forbid myself from thinking those things.
Words sting, and even if you don't let the initial stab affect you, their venom still lingers.

I don't let it hurt me, most of the time.
However, sometimes when I do feel exposed, they come back to bite. My mind takes these words and shoots it back at me, with ten times the force.
I grind my teeth, feel the nerves build up.

I've never let down my guard so I don't turn soft.
I've always avoided doing things I'm not sure I can do, like relationships. Because I don't know how to, the uncertainty makes me weak, vulnerable.

Now I'm like this.

Inhuman
Military robot

Kenji says my name.
I feel his hand cover mine, and I look up.
He's staring at me intently, like he's trying to piece together a puzzle.
"Come here." He says gently, holding my hand. I listen, go to rest my head on his shoulder. Kenji wraps his arm around me, strokes my back.

He's quiet, holds me while placing a few light kisses on my cheek.
I close my eyes.
Kenji makes everything a lot less daunting.