The Boy Who Couldn't Love

Chapter 9: Dirty Little Secret

nothing was ever the same.
all the laughs and jokes and even all of the happiness was gone. nothing was innocent anymore and that was all down to him.
all that mattered now was moving on - but nothing's ever as easy, is it?...

It has been two weeks since I last saw Hunter.
The worst thing about it was that I missed him. I hated that.
If he and I were different people, I would be seeing this situation in a different way but I was who I was and he was who he was and the only thing that I could hold onto about him was that somewhere deep inside of him, there was a sorry heart.
That's another thing about us. Being who he was, if he just apologised for what happened then being who I was, I would've forgiven him. But, he didn't and I couldn't.
That night he left my house, I finally saw it. I finally saw how far gone he was and I knew that he would never come back, regardless of how much I held onto the hope that he would - that he could.
It was December 13th and the snow was beginning to lightly coat the town as it only seemed to snow in the mornings. The days were getting darker and the nights were getting colder. As the time continued to tick by, I spend more and more time alone.
I made the decision to leave this house and live with Zack, only he wasn't aware of that yet, I still had to talk to him but if for some reason his parents didn't allow it, then I'm sure I would find somewhere else. I was no longer going to spend another minute here with the monster who called himself my father. In three months, I would be eighteen and free to do whatever I wanted so I imagine Zack's parents wouldn't object at this point.
In past two weeks have been spent with my dad, i witnessed his normal behaviour as he drunk himself to the floor and I let him lie there, hoping he had drunk enough to drown himself and I'd finally be out of my misery. But, I wasn't so lucky. I never would be.
Most days were spent in my greenhouse - my safe haven. I felt invincible out there, like all of the filthy problems of the world couldn't get in. It was also the only way I could spend quality time with my mother, even if it was just with her picture.
I no longer sympathised with my dad and I didn't want to know what it was that he spent his days crying over because it clearly wasn't my mother, like I'd always thought.
The time had come where I no longer wanted to lie for my him, there was no point anymore. I was now even more terrified of him and of what he'd do and Hunter had clearly gone past the point of no return. Both Zack and Frankie had to know the truth about my dad and the whole truth at that. Everyone did.
If I was called a liar by the town's residents, then so be it. Anything was better than staying here any longer. Anything.

The snow stuck to the car windows on the way to school. Frankie was going on about some girl he was interested in and Zack was taking in every word. Like before, I just watched the trees that were now completely naked and sprinkled with snow. They looked so cold that I waited for them to shiver.
It seemed at this point, every single day was just passing me by and I was just existing. Was no one noticing that I was drowning? Maybe I wasn't doing it right...
How long would it take for me to be normal again?
It was hard dealing with the nightmares because at least in nightmares you're somewhere strange and when you wake up you feel safe again because you're in your own house. But, that wasn't the same for me. In my nightmares, I was still in my house and everything looked exactly the same. Everything always looked the same.
"Nothing, nothing about this girl is getting her interested in me," Frankie's voice chimed back in. "What am I doing wrong? There's no way I could've lost my mojo."
"Well, maybe she's picking up on the fact that you're only interested in sleeping with her," Zack said as he held an unlit cigarette in his mouth. "Doesn't exactly take a genius."
"I take offence to that," Frankie replied. "I really do think she's beautiful. But, you know me, I'm just not one to get tied down to a relationship."
"Well, not everyone has the same hatred for relationships as you, Frankie."
"I do not have a hatred for relationships," Frankie argued, "I just don't see the point in them if all they're gonna do in the end is get you fucked over."
"Look at me," Zack said, while keeping his eyes on the road. "I'm in a relationship and I couldn't be happier. All I'm saying is you shouldn't let one girl make you believe that they're all the same."
This conversation continued with them bickering back and forth to each other until we reached the parking lot at school. Sadie, again never spoke a word to me. Something was going on with her.
Hunter stood by his car smoking a cigarette while he waited for us to show up. Knots formed in my stomach just from seeing him but I took a deep breath and stood next to Zack as he struck up a conversation with him.
"What's up?" Zack asked him.
"Not much," Hunter answered, completely ignoring me and I was glad for that.
"You still calling over tonight?"
"Yeah, I can't wait to play that new game!"
"Me too," Zack agreed. "I hope it's as good as they made it look online."
"I don't know, man," Hunter said as he kicked the snow around with his foot. "Nothing is ever as good as it seems these days."
How was he just standing here acting normal like he didn't watch as my dad broke me? How was he not affected by it? How could he just shut off his feelings?
"You wanna walk to class with me, it's freezing," Sadie said to me as she shivered.
"Yeah, let's go," I agreed while quickly turning away to walk with her. We made it inside and stomped our feet on the rug to get the snow off our shoes.
"Sorry, I just didn't wanna be anywhere near him," Sadie said while taking her hat off and shaking her head to get the excess snow off her hair.
"Yeah, I don't blame you," I replied.
"Is something going on with you two?"
Oh, so much I wish you knew.
"We're just going through kind of a rough patch."
"Oh," she said. "I still feel bad for breaking up with him. He's got this look on his face that makes you feel bad for him, even though you know yourself that he was in the wrong. He's got a way of making you believe otherwise."
I thought about that face. I knew that face. All too well.
"Yeah, I guess he does."
"Sorry, I've been really quiet lately," she said. "I've just been going through some stuff."
I nodded my head and I could tell she didn't wanna get too into it.
"I completely understand." So have I.
"Thanks for not telling Zack about my neck."
"So, he still doesn't know?"
"No, I'm not stupid enough to tell him. He would kill him."
You got that right.
I met up with Zack and Frankie, and Hunter in class. They both spoke to him while I just got out my books and started doing my work but also tried to act like nothing was going on between us.
Frankie was still talking about the girl who wasn't interested in him and how he didn't get it and to be honest, neither did I. Who couldn't be interested in him? He was one of the most beautiful souls I knew.