Deepest Corner of My Notes App

I Finally Did It.

I finally did it, I texted him. I knew he was pulling away, because I felt it. The rejections to the little things gave it away.

And I knew that he was pulling away. Him not wanting to hang out, when it was just us pulled at my heart strings. And him not wanting to hold hands made my heart sink. And I knew it.

So I finally got the courage to text him, to ask if what I knew was true. And it was.

Waiting for that response was gut wrenching and full of pain. Every notification I got that wasn't from him had my heart skip a beat. I knew the response, but I was scared of it.

I waited and waited, progressively getting more nervous. Today was the worst day to send that text.

I thrive on one on one time, I thrive on the little things, I thrive on the physical touch. That's how I live, that's how I keep myself happy.

How am I going to keep myself happy now?

He says that we need less one on one together, and I completely understand him wanting to learn how to be alone. But that new text tells me that he never wants to be together. He says that would help both of us to move forward, but I don't want to move forward.

I was so happy where I was, if I move forward that's leaving him behind. There's no us, but there was something.

Just thinking of moving forward hurts my heart, it's sinking and sinking. And it's at this time that my heart was finally unchained, but it's at this time that we step back. That when my heart is finally exposed, that I need to support and step back.

And I can live with that, I just need to find that chain again. So that I can retie it, and wait for the next time that I give someone the key to unlock it and they run away with it.

I just need to lock it again, and get through this.

I play the strong person, and I need to fix myself real fast so I can keep being that person.