What We've Become (The Forever Pirates) #2

026 2/4

Hongjoong

MM and I didn't talk much after my most recent episode, often lost in her own thoughts, and most of the time, I had been too.

It had felt like forever since I came to caves, as a completely different person. Did all of my problems start here?

No, no, I don't think so.

I was broken even beforehand. But this was when the crew realized the most. No matter how much I wanted to make it up to them, that is when I realized there was no fixing me. And it'd be better if they had no part in my life, for their own health. I was too far gone, and all I could do was finish what I started.

I didn't like remembering what happened here during that time. My mistake had always been and will always be, putting other things in front of Seonghwa. And this was the time I proved it the most.

Him surviving was not something I had expected. He died in my head. During that year, I had more fights with San than I had ever had previously. I was too distraught, and his determination that Seonghwa was alive broke my heart more.

I couldn't sleep or eat or do anything for that year. Even taking them to that town, because we had missed it the year prior, we had stayed for months there, waiting for the festival. San later told me that he was waiting for Seonghwa more than anything.

I couldn't leave my ship, but I could not function.

Because it had been my fault.

I had killed Seonghwa. I questioned my motives for a long time after, unsure if I did it on purpose. I did not believe I did, but how could I be so stupid to lead Seonghwa into such a large trap? It was so stupid that it had to have been on purpose.

I would not have questioned it so hard if my mind had not already been splitting, and inner thoughts that I did not believe were me, were wreaking havoc on my mind. Intrusive, brutal thoughts that tortured my every waking hour.

I remembered that time. I remembered that year of torture. I remembered him coming back and how ruined he was.

And seeing how hurt he was and how little he could truly trust me was the final nail in the coffin for my soon to be death. I could not bear to hurt him like that again. But I had. More than I had ever previously.

"We're here." MM said, staring at the upcoming cave. "I'll enter with you to get you in, but you must stay there yourself. There are things you need to witness on your own."

"Will it work? I won't see ye again?" I asked, glancing at her.

"Not unless you have something to tell me. And if so, I'd recommend against it, or you might lose your tongue." Her eyes were brutal as she pulled our small boat up to the shore.

I followed her lead as she headed towards the caves. She stood to the side, letting me enter first.

I did reluctantly, feeling unsure all over again. As much as I wish I had never entered this cave in the first place, I do not think it would've prevented a lot of the problems that arose. I would've still hurt my crew. I was incapable of not hurting people. I knew that.

But I still wished that Seonghwa didn't have to become something new. As much as he hated himself because of what he had become, I hoped he had grown to accept himself more.

He was never a monster.

But he still deserved a choice in his change.

We walked through the cave system, and our feet echoed against the stone. MM strolled casually and comfortably behind me.

I felt their presence before they even showed themselves. "You came again, Hongjoong? Isn't this a little redundant?"

"He came with me." MM spoke, causing a deadly silence inside the cavern. "He is free to roam and see what he needs to. I'll be waiting for him to come out unharmed."

She gave me a look before leaving me there.

It was time I found out who could really break this curse.

And I hoped it wasn't the answer I already knew. Because I'd deal with it forever, just so he wouldn't have to see me again.