Double Twenty

Chapter 12 - Dilemma (Nelly featuring Kelly Rowland)

"Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction." - Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Lying on her bed in Gradignan, bathed in the soft light of her bedside lamp, Marie lets her thoughts wander. The walls of her room reflect her influences: a Björk poster sits alongside surf images and movie posters like "La Boum" and "Dirty Dancing," symbols of her early emotional awakenings. These references, ingrained in her DNA, form the backdrop of her introspective evenings, accompanied by the melancholic melodies of "Fake Plastic Trees" by Radiohead.

Scattered across her desk are law books, marking the path of her ambition to become a lawyer, a career she approaches with seriousness, as evidenced by her meticulous notes. But tonight, her thoughts are turned towards Julien, her boyfriend, and the complex nature of their relationship.

The family dinner had been a momentary distraction. Her parents discussed the latest trends in real estate, a field in which they excel, but Marie barely followed the conversation. Her mind was elsewhere, lost in anticipation of the moment she could escape to her room and immerse herself in her thoughts about Julien.

Back in her sanctuary, surrounded by familiar memories and objects, she feels ready to explore her feelings. On her nightstand, her old CD player transitions to "Don't Speak" by No Doubt, a track that resonates with her own sentimental dilemmas.

Marie oscillates between admiration for Julien's free-spirited nature and growing apprehension about their future together. She dreams of a shared future, of moving in together after their studies, all while respecting the independence that defines him. Grabbing her diary, a precious collection in multiple volumes adorned with a sticker saying "It's like raining day," she begins to pour her hopes and fears onto the paper:

"Each day spent with Julien strengthens my affection for him, but also my uncertainties. He is spontaneous, independent. But sometimes I wonder if our visions of the future can really harmonize. I dream of more than just a relationship; I desire a solid foundation for our couple. But how can I express this to him without pushing him away?

I want him to understand that my desire to share a life together is not meant to restrict his freedom. On the contrary, I believe true love allows each person to flourish while being together. Our independence is not a threat, but a strength that can enrich our relationship.

Society often pushes us to believe that love must be all-consuming, but I disagree. We are two complete individuals, each with our own dreams and ambitions. I believe in a vision of love where equality and mutual respect prevail. I have always refused to conform to traditional societal expectations, and I don't intend to start now.

In 1997, many still think that a woman's place is in the shadow of a man. But I want to break those chains. I want Julien to understand that I am strong and capable on my own, that our relationship must be a partnership of equals. We must support each other without ever stifling the other's ambitions.

Perhaps this is what scares me the most: finding the balance between the two of us. I need to preserve my own space, my own dreams and ambitions. We need to be equals, supporting each other without losing ourselves in the other. How can I tell him that I don't just want to be a part of his life, but that I want us to build a life together, where each of us respects the other's space and needs?

Sometimes I wonder if I have the strength to tell him all this. Words seem so much simpler when they stay on these pages. But I must find the courage, for myself, for us. Our love deserves this honesty, this clarity. We are two distinct beings, with our own paths, but I believe they can cross, intertwine without blending.

I dream of a future where women are recognized for their worth, where equality is not a utopia but a reality. Julien and I can be an example of this change. I want him to see that I am a strong partner, ready to build something beautiful and lasting, without ever giving up who I am."

She closes her journal with a renewed sense of determination. She knows that to build a solid relationship, honesty and communication are essential. She must find a way to share her thoughts with Julien, to show him that their love can be fertile ground where each can fully thrive.

She turns off the lamp and slips under the covers, as Tori Amos's "Silent All These Years" softly plays in the background. In the darkness of her room, Marie's hopes and dreams blend with the music, painting the portrait of a young woman at a crucial crossroads, ready to embrace both love and the future with all the passion and determination she can muster. If everything goes as she imagines, of course.