Double Twenty

Chapter 20 - Fade Into You (Mazzy Star)

"There are moments in life when the question of whether we can think the world without a master is much more urgent than whether we have a master." — Michel Foucault

What does it really mean to be a 20-year-old? For Julien, the question had never arisen, at least not in those terms. His vision of existence had always been clear. A simple life. Optimize his time. No appetite for artificial paradises or other excesses. No ups or downs. Just temperance. And yet, Julien increasingly suffers from a sense of lack. Or more accurately, from homesickness. What does he miss the most? Having his own space. Exploring new places. Not having to answer to anyone. Seducing. He has returned to his absolute comfort zone. The moment in his life when nothing and no one puts him in danger because everything is mapped out. From thirty to forty-seven, Julien lived his golden age, that of conquest. His strength lies notably in his ability to ask for nothing, expect nothing, provoke nothing. He forged an aura of mystery, a sort of enigma to be solved for his suitors. A reputation cleverly maintained by a mix of real facts and stories, positive rumors spread over the years by his friends, colleagues, entourage, and exes, which have contributed to making him an attraction not to be missed. Never deny, never confirm. Let them talk. The most sought-after bachelor. An enviable status, but one that owes nothing to chance. Being himself in all circumstances is a challenge, a price to pay. Knowing when to let go at the crucial moment. Not getting attached. Regulating his feelings. Minimizing his needs. A kind of asceticism that requires neither recognition nor proof. No regrets about the previous night's bowling evening, but it's simply not what he wants to live anymore. More than anything, he feels a new desire emerging, to take Marie on a trip, to show her places dear to his heart. Lake Tahoe, Tromsø, Northland, an urgent need to share with her, but for that, he needs to gain his independence. And maybe the key is Matthieu? Quickly dismissed, his friend might have the solution to help him take advantage of the situation. He is interrupted in his reflection by a thunderous "Marie is here" from his mother. The door to his room opens at the same time, Marie drops her bag and Barbour jacket on the chair, her perfume instantly filling the space. She sits on his bed, "Are you mad at me for last night?", direct, without preamble. "Not at all, but there's no need to get so worked up, a video game, bowling, it's fun, but not something to make a fuss about." She sighs, annoyed, "Then what is important?" Julien feels he needs to defuse the conversation quickly. "You've been here for 5 minutes, instead of enjoying being together, you're bringing up something trivial, in my opinion." "Not very important, to you maybe, I played a great game, I didn't let myself get walked over, that's my temperament, deal with it." He sits next to her, takes her hand, "You played very well, but you could have won without getting angry." Marie pulls her hand away and stands up quickly, "You're not my father, I react how I want." He knows that saying more or nothing at all won't change anything, so Julien prefers to change the subject, "Okay, so next weekend we go to Spain, just the two of us." Marie, ready to push him away, stops in her tracks. "What do you mean to Spain?" "To San Sebastian." "Uh, yes, I need to check with my parents, but did this just come to you? I don't know what to say, thank you." They don't have time to talk more, "Dinner is ready." Julien knows that if he doesn't change anything, their relationship is doomed. From the beginning to the end of their "first" relationship, they always went out with their group of friends, never alone. One of the reasons for their breakup, according to Marie, on which he can influence from now on.

As they sit down at the dinner table, Julien's mind races with thoughts of how he can make things different this time around. He knows that spontaneity and intimacy are key to rekindling and sustaining his relationship with Marie. Over dinner, he keeps the conversation light and engaging, steering away from any potential conflict. He talks about their future trip, painting vivid pictures of the places they will visit and the adventures they will have.

Marie, initially reserved, gradually warms up to the idea. She shares her excitement about traveling, about experiencing new things together. For the first time in a while, they connect on a deeper level, their conversation flowing effortlessly. Julien feels a renewed sense of hope. This trip to Spain could be the turning point they need.

After dinner, they take a walk around the neighborhood. The evening air is cool, and the streets are quiet. They walk hand in hand, talking about their dreams and aspirations. Julien realizes that this is what he has been missing - these simple, meaningful moments. He vows to create more of them, to cherish the time they have together.

As they return to his house, Marie looks at him with a softness in her eyes. "Thank you for tonight, Julien. I really needed this." He smiles, pulling her close. "Me too, Marie. And I promise, there will be many more nights like this."

In that moment, Julien understands that being 20 is not just about living in the moment but about making conscious choices that shape the future. And he is determined to make the most of this second chance he has been given.