The Big Little World Of Us

Moms Not Dead But It Feels Like It

Chapter Three

My dad and me have never gotten along for as long as I've been out, it's like the minute I told him and Caroline my step mom since I was 8 found out I was gay at 13 changed their opinion of me my dad more so then Caroline, she's never really liked me , made me change my name the first day moving in with her after getting married to dad.

She says she loves him, and it's was out of love maybe on my dad side but I'm not so sure about her, maybe it was a political stunt. The headlines being 'chairman's daughter marries poor          single Asian father', or maybe I'm making up scenarios in my head because I miss the way things used to be but I guess that's just me the only one who misses the old ways of how out life used to be and i'm just being dramatic I mean I am 16 going on 17.

Mom divorced dad when I was 5, an dad moved us across the world to America to raise me with the help of his parents who were here from long ago, I'm not really sure he doesn't talk about them that much or how he met mom.

Dad raised me as a single dad up til I was 8, that was when he met Caroline, he used to say she was a guardian angel that saved him from hell, after a year of dating they married, we moved in with her because I don't think our one bedroom apartment would fit us three, especially since I had the room and dad slept on the couch.

The issue with today is not because Caroline wants me to go to her mother son pageant but that she asked me the other day and I declined because I didn't feel comfortable around all those people I didn't know and be the only kid of colour, yeah no thanks. But the fact that she woke me up at buck ass of dawn told me to get dress in a stupid suit that didn't really fit me an meet her down stairs for breakfast.
Caroline was still in her room when I came down so I started up a conversation with my dad.

"You never want to talk, about literally anything, you'll ask how my day was but the minute I talk to much you change the subject the minute I bring mom up you act like she's dead the minute I call you and Caroline out for the offensive shit you say you make me the bad guy, living with you is like with the black plague, I can see why mom left you" I said staring at my dad annoyance feeling up my face, as he looking away, picking at his food.

"You don't understand it your just a child who needs to stay in a child's place, there was more issues then I can count on both hands with our marriage " dad said not looking at me. But I could tell he was upset I was bring this conversation up again. Considering I brought it up every chance I could, because he never wants to talk about mom.

" see there you go again you want me to act my age or like i'm a fucking adult and when I do you treat me like a child, I use to give you the benefit of the doubt and excused a lot of shitty things you've done, my whole life and not once did I complain when you got remarried, made us move, made me change my name, or when you use me as your token golden gay son because it makes you look good with people" I replied angerly slamming my silverware down looking down at my plate of cold breakfast

"Hell I don't like Caroline but I still respect her unless she was out of line, like today with her pageant I told her I didn't want to go because I wouldn't know anyone and that I wanted to hang out with Raiden today and she agreed until she sprung up on me last minute that she needed me to go for some reason so yes I am upset and I have that right to, I'm not a kid anymore you can't treat me like one and I'm not adult either. I'm trying dad I really am, I'm trying to compromise and make amends with you and her but it's hard living with you both when all you care about is how we look on the outside and at home you don't even want to talk about anything." I ranted Slightly yelling but not quiet looking for a way for him to actually answer my questions.

"I know your trying I'm trying to also I had no idea what I was doing with a 5 year old as a single dad in a new country of a language I could barely speak at the time, and then I met Caroline and life became good became easy, and you were growing up to be someone I didn't know, and then you came out as gay ,and I didn't, still don't know how to handle that, I'm trying to understand to accept that's who you are and I'm trying to accept that I was larger reason for your mother and me divorce but it's hard because all I've known was my family school marriage you then our world got thrown upside down...."dad yelled falling into a whisper as he looked at me for the first time this conversation

"I know you don't tell me this I know mom didn't want me and that's why you were able to move with me ,and why she barely calls I know mom doesn't love me, but dad I know your trying and you show that in everything you do but what's Caroline's excuse.. I just don't want to see our family end up the way it did the first time"i said getting up and walking away. As Caroline comes down the stairs dressed in her best outfit.