The Big Little World Of Us

I See Him In Your Eyes

Chapter Thirteen 

I haven't gotten out of bed since me and Benny fought, we fight yeah, but not like this, never like this, then John goes ahead and dies, mom is trying to redeem herself, Waylen is acting nicer, and then this weird kid Jace or James something is trying to be my friend

It feels like, i'm not even in the same universe, the one where mom was a shit mom, dads alive and a bastard,Waylen hates me, and Benny is still my best friend,and we didn't have this fight and no one bothers me and ask me about my stupid fucking feelings.

On the day of my 16th birthday, I had awoken to a room that smelled of death and chemicals, pale blue with a hint of grey, a bed made of paper and cardboard, stiff and uncomfortable.

I knew why I was there, everyone knew,just one of those incidents that's never spoken aloud, like when your parents get divorced, or your grandmother died, stuff like that.

Benny was the only one who was there when I opened my eyes, straining at the light that surrounded me. He had cried holding my hands so firmly, so tight, that if he let go, or gave me the chance, that would just slip away and disappear, on him again.

His dad and mom were the ones who found me and brought me to the hospital, Benny stayed for the 4 days I was unconscious, the extra 3 days I was put under watch.

He brought me school work, a book, and kept me up to date with Waylen, said he had let Waylen stay at his house while I was away. To which I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding.

Not once did he, or his parents, or anyone around me ask about the week I was out of school, even though most already knew by now, especially the one kid named Michaela, whose mom was my dr, and has been the same one whose always dealt with me every time I end up in the hospital or rehab.

Funny thing is I've always said I'll never be like my parents, but here I was laying in an all too familiar hospital room, being asked the same questions, going through the same process, I have done more than enough times to count on one hand.

Mrs. Jones or well Dr. Jones gives me the same look she did the first time I landed my ass in here, but I guess it's different that time, I was 16 going on 17, not 14, she saw the bruises both then and now, but she never asked or checked more than she needed to.
But her face gave a whole different response, like she had a million questions, but none at all. After the day I ended up here the first time in a month or so after I turned 14, her daughter Michaela started sitting next to me at lunch or during class we had together. She's never spoken to me or tried since then and she still hasn't which I guess is nice knowing there's someone who knows your darkest secret yet never asks about it.

That was until today a week after me and Benny fought, my 17th birthday has passed, John died, and Waylen started to be as happy as he can be in this house,in this family.

She had brought me my school work, the first 2 days she just handed it to me then left, but she came in on the 3rd day sat in the living room, observed. Then ask me to talk. What for I wasn't sure either.

"Why haven't you've been to school, and I know it's not cause my mom has been having to see you" she asked, calm, and collected, an unreadable expression.

"I don't see how that concerns you, we're not exactly friends" I said looking confused, wondering why the hell her of all people were asking me personal shit.

"We might not be friends in your eyes, but I've come to care about you, and unfortunately for you so has my mother, she sees you as her son."
She started, still calm, still relaxed, not teetering in the slightest.

"Why would your mother care about me, I'm just a patient, and how do you even know your mom was my doctor, is that stuff supposed to be confidential?" I asked leaning, forward picking at the skin under my nails.

"She didn't tell me, I looked through her files, and because since my brother died of cancer she's been depressed, then this raven haired 14 year druggies in ends up in her care, she's a mother it's in her nature to care for children especially if they remind her of the one she's lost." Her tone calm, the hitch in her voice going unnoticed by both of us, gently pulled my hands away and held them.

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, how old was he?" I'm not sure why I asked, to change the subject or to get the person who considers me a friend for 3 years and I've been rude to her since.

"He was 14 older then me, by a few years,stage four leukemia, my dad left after I was born cause I wasn't a boy, so mom had to work, had to be a mother and father, so she worked more then we saw her, it was like that for as long as I can remember, then one day he's starts coughing up blood, passing out, getting fatigued, loosing weight and his hair. She's never said it but she loves him more than she's loved anyone, and blames herself for never noticing or being there." Even if she didn't say it, I knew she had more that was unspoken maybe even to herself also.

"But then you came around, you OD, and had alcohol poisoning, with bruises, and burns, it was the anniversary of my brother's death, when you showed up, she saw that as a sign, ever since she worries about you, maybe more than she does about me. After you got discharged back then she asked me about you when I had nothing to show for it she was upset. I was too, cause how is there someone I grew up with yet i know nothing about besides their name." She paused contemplating whether she should continue or not, before I could say anything she spoke again, voice soft with a quiet tremor.

"So I started looking for you in every room we were in, noticed anything I could, started to sit next to you in class and lunch. Because how can someone who's always laughing or being one of the loudest kids in school, end up in that situation. Then I saw it, the way you pull your sleeves past your fingertips, how you keep your hair long, so it covers your neck, the way you carry the smell of cigarettes and beer on you, some days so strong you can smell it a couple desks away, or so slight your not sure if it's in your head or not. The way you look down in the hallways when Benny's not around or how your eyes linger on your brother when he's near, how you look at him with sushi endearment, or the one time your dad came picked you, the look of death and horror cross your face as quickly as it disappears. You know everyone yet only like one person Benny. So yes I care, yes it started out cause my mom cared about you, and yes I've chosen not to talk to you til now, but I do see you as my friend. So why didn't you show up to school this week, I'm not the only one who's worried, Benny and Jace are so is Waylen even if he doesn't physically show it." She held my hands a little tighter the more she spoke, telling a story with her words, things I've never even noticed about myself, maybe she knows me more than I know myself.

"We had a fight, it wasn't a pretty one either, he..,we...,I said some things I shouldn't have said, yelled at him, all because he wanted to tell me something I knew was important to him. And apologizing isn't something I can do easily, but I hate fighting with him, and knowing I made him cry, and made him upset." My hands trembled, tears threatening to spill.

"I'm not good with emotions or having friends but, I'm here if you always need me."she said softly hugging me to her shoulders having to bend down slightly to hug properly.

So this is kinda dedicated to my BSF who died of leukemia, three years ago. :/