The Big Little World Of Us

I Don't Want To Be Your son In Our Next Life

Chapter Seven

Don't get me wrong when I say this I hate her and don't think i'll every forgive for letting whats happen, but whats done is done. But what i can say is she dint have it any easier then i did, was just as much of victim as I was. forced to marry dad by her parents when she drunkenly got pregnant with me at 16, forced to become a parent before she became an adult. 

It didn't also help that I looked like dad, and he treated her just as horrible and maybe even worse. After he died, and our argument, she stopped drinking, and taking her medicine that she actually needed,being unstable and all doesn't really help with the fact that she never got out of bed,unless it was to use the restroom, or maybe eat on the rare chance she would remember to. its like she became a shell of who she once was, i thought maybe if i yelled at her she'd finally become the mother Waylen deserved to have, it was too late to make amends with me, but waylen still had 2 years  left at home, and quite honestly I don't think i'll be here that long. so he'll need someone to be there for him, when i'm not there.

It was getting to the point Waylen and me would have to help her out of bed to eat something so she doesn't die for starvation, she had lost her glowing skin, even if it was from addictions, at least she was living, even if it was to run away from her problems.

But for the first time since I was 7 and waylen was 3 she hugged us like her life depended on it, as if she would let go we would disappear. I didn't hug back, it didn't feel right too, but Waylen did and she took that as the cue to burst the flood gates with tears soaking both of out shoulders. i moved away hang her arm around waylen, letting them have their moment. leaving the room to my room, Waylen looked happy and relived, like this is whats hes been waiting for his whole life, as he held her, she look like the child ironically crying like a kid, who broke their dumb toy and their parent comforting them, telling them it's okay, it'll get better.

I felt jealous, not because she was hugging Waylen, but why couldn't she had gotten better before it became worse, before everything went to shit.

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It had been 2 weeks since that hug none of us brought it up, but mom started waking up early and drinking coffee instead of alcohol, and smoking cigarettes instead of drugs, which wasn't a better alternative, but at least it wasn't making her black out. Even though she didn't cook breakfast or dinner, and worked more hours, she stopped hitting and yelling at us, but would ignore me most of the days but would always make sure to ask Waylen how his day was. it didn't bother me that much, just wish she would love me like she loved waylen, maybe it's because he looked just like her, and i look just like the nightmare, that made all our lives living hell.

Waylen was at his friend Jace or Jake I think for the night so it was just us two for dinner, it was quite not a comfortable or awkward type quite, just quiet. I had make a simple spaghetti dinner for us, and was almost done when she finally spoke to me for the first time in a long while, that wasn't fueled by anger and hate. "i'm sorry" was all she said, which came to a surprise to me. not because she was speaking to me, but for the fact she was apologizing like it would fix the 15 years of hell and pain she put us through, put me through. But it didn't, and I hated that i felt the need to forgive her and let everything go, like it was equally my fault, that everything happened.

"why, are you apologizing" I said with snide dripping from my lips, anger pooling at the edges of my tongue. "Because you're right i'm not a good mother, and I don't deserve any one of you guys forgiveness, especially you" she said gripping her fork, so tightly her hand was turning white, i couldn't tell what she was feeling, the one thing Waylen didn't get from her.

"Yeah but you got Waylens, that's all I care about that he has his mother, after 13 fucking years of neglect, its like you forgot about us because you were wrapped up in your own head" I said fiddling with the ring on my middle finger,not sparing her a glance. "That's not fair, you wouldn't understand what your dad put me through" she was calm, too calm, calmer then shes ever been, even before she was a addict, she was always on edge, even now that she got some what sober, but right now in this moment she was too calm

"yeah I won't understand,because you were married to the bastard and you probably loved him in your own way, but you still don't get why i'm upset,why i'm angry and bitter with you,why I fucking hate you......,and I hate that hatred I have against  you,and you wouldn't understand" my body shaking with tears and a million more emotions.

"Its was so hard with you,when I was pregnant, I was 16, the summer before my junior year,and it was a drunken night, one i'm not fond of, and your dad was the coolest guy in school, and me, I was a nobody from a family so poor i had use my sister, whose 10 years older then me, hammy downs, and you could tell they were hammy downs, so when i got invited to that party, i took the first chance to go and let lose, and for the first time you dad talked to me, the girl who sat 3 seats behind him math, and had homeroom with him since we were in elementary."

"I was so happy, I didn't notice the glances his friends made at him and the way he would look at my face then my drink. and one thing led to another and you happened and it was my choice, so when i told my parents they said it was my fault for getting drunk, even when I swear I was drinking water. what i'm trying to say is yeah i love your dad, and honestly I didn't want you, because every time I looked at you all I saw was that night, and you're father. I hated that i hated you for things you couldn't control, things you didn't cause. But it was easier blaming you then the culprit, because you didn't hit back, you didn't hurt me worse then what I've already done" I don't think shes ever spoke this much, this long to me before, and I wonder if she did would thing have been different.

"I was a kid, being blamed for years of shit i never had control over, and when i cried in you're arms at 15 fucking years old, and told you what he was doing, you said it was my fault, the same thing you're parents said to you, and you expect me to have sympathy for you to understand your perspective, fuck that and fuck you" I stormed to my room leaving my now cold food on the table with her watching my back as I disappeared into the living room.