On the Way Down

Chapter Twenty-Nine

"You met Len once." Phoenix's hand settles on my shoulder.

"I did?" Something doesn't sit right with what he said, and it doesn't take me long to recall why. "You told me I didn't know her the first time her name came up and I asked, before I knew Len and Elenna are the same person."

It could be Ava or Torin's influence, or my self-protective instincts, but I'm on high alert for contradictions and inconsistencies. I won't give Phoenix a pass on any of them tonight.

"You didn't know her, but you met her," he replies. "She went to a book signing you had at The Grove. It was while I was in Antigua. I didn't find out until later, because she didn't tell me. She thought I would ask her not to go."

"Why would you have asked her not to go?" That seems suspicious if everything he's said so far is true. Len wouldn't have walked up to me and introduced herself as Phoenix's girlfriend if they were only friends, and there's a chance she would have brought her fiancé if she was still with him at the time.

"Because of her reason for going. She wanted to tell you everything. How I felt about what I did to you, that I was still in love with you, and that I'd stayed away because I didn't want to keep hurting you and knew you deserved more. That I had planned to propose to you. That I was in rehab and was cleaning up my life. She also wanted to ask you to see me in person when I got back from Antigua, but without me knowing ahead of time so I couldn't be a coward about it. She was trying to reunite us."

Except none of that ever happened. "I think I would remember someone telling me all of this at a book signing."

"She had you sign a book for her, but she didn't go through with the rest of it. When she saw you in person and heard you speak, she knew she couldn't. It was your moment to shine. She thought you seemed so genuinely happy to be there, meeting and chatting with your readers. She realized it was the wrong place and situation."

That's for sure. Back then, the mere mention of Phoenix's name would have had me asking her to leave, never mind the rest of it. I may have appeared happy, and I'm sure I was in that moment, doing what I'd worked so hard for and loved, but it took everything I had in me to get to that point after he walked out.

Here in Phoenix's kitchen, in the present, I'm at a loss for how to respond to the possibility this could have happened. I've also lost the energy to even change topics. There are hints our conversation has drained him, too, with exhaustion evident in his eyes, his face, and his movements as he lowers his hand from my shoulder. The mood between us now isn't exactly fireworks and physical chemistry, and that's probably why he opts for careful sweetness when he asks if I'll still stay the night.

I'm too tired and in my head to risk getting on a freeway for an hour-long drive, and besides, nothing bad has happened. It's just been a more intense conversation than either of us probably expected, and my brain is still sifting through everything. Tonight has also put some of my vulnerabilities on display, and something about that has me feeling exposed and a little frayed.

How much healing do I still have to do to fully trust Phoenix again? There have been times these last few weeks when I've been certain I trust him, but there were also times my trust evaporated. Why is it so easy for me to slip into doubt about his love for me and what I mean to him?

It isn't until after I've washed my face, brushed my teeth, and am in bed next to him that my uneasiness starts to subside. Phoenix has been reserved and watchful since we left the kitchen, letting me lead. Now that my nervous system is settling down, he must sense it, because he positions his arm in an unspoken invitation to hold me. The choice is mine. I accept and snuggle in next to him. The action is an olive branch of my own.