Daddy, please.

Pain

The only question I had was, who would be calling me?

I ran across the floor and dug into my bag which I'd lazily thrown near the wall upon arrival.

As I took in the name flashing on my screen, A bubble of anxiety swelled up in the out of my stomach. The emotions that hit me were like a tidal wave and I didn't know what to think. After a month of nothing, he chose now to finally try and contact me?

A part of my hadn't wanted to accept the call, but an even bigger part of me was curious to hear what he had to say.

I pressed the green button and remained silent, waiting for his overbearing voice to flood my ears.

"Oh god, I'm so glad you picked up, Derek." Who's Derek? "Look, some of your workers" where does he work? "Told me how Amy hasn't been showing any improvement," Amy is my moms name. They couldn't be the same Amy, could they? "Even after the beatings I told you to give her," jack ass say whaa? "And I don't know what to do. Her schizophrenia hasn't gotten any more under control that it was last time I called, and I can't keep paying for this unsuccessful treatment with money I no longer have. I think it might be time we cut her loose." What does that mean? Cut her loose as in set her free, or cut her loose as in kill her? Considering this Amy they were talking about was clearly mentally unstable, the first option seemed idiotic, but the second was cruel. "Sending her there took most of my money and now that my daughters gone, I have no means of paying for her." This didn't make sense. None of it made sense. Could this Amy my father was talking about be the same Amy that is my mother? No. It couldn't be possible. She left. She wasn't schizophrenic. Or maybe I just didn't know.

My father hiccuped and slurred throughout his speech, leading me to the conclusion that he was drunk. At the beginning of the call, Alex told me to put it on speaker phone, and in the beginning I wary because I didn't know what he'd say. I couldn't let Alex hear the things my father said to me. But then I was glad he heard, so I didn't have to be the only one to bear the confusing information id just learned.

My eyes widened in horror, and realization, as the pieces finally clicked. Amy is my mother. Amy is schizophrenic. My mom is schizophrenic. She didn't leave me, she was sent away. He let them abuse her, just like he abused me.

He was trying to make them get rid of her.

He lied to me. He made me think she left because of me. He made my hate myself for a long time because of it, but all this time it had actually been him. He was the culprit. He ruined my life because she was mentally unstable, and clearly he must be too.

She's schizophrenic. She's mentally ill and all this time I'd thought she'd left me behind in the dust like I meant nothing to her. Truth was, her thoughts were so bombarded she probably didn't even remember me anymore.

This was tearing me apart on the inside. All because of one drunken phone call, the truth was unveiled and it was more than I could handle.

It was currently the seventh of October, three days after my fathers random phone call, and things had changed. I'd fallen deeper into the black pit that had my name permanently engraved in it, and I had no clue where to even begin looking to find the light. Was there any light to look for?

I'd been treading on unknown waters for a few days now with Alex. It was like trying to swim downstream, but being held back by the currents. I was getting no where with him, and he'd become increasingly distant. The fun and easy going guy id come to know was nowhere to be found, smothered in the depths of whatever was haunting him in the back of his mind. Alex had been keeping to himself a lately, and I had no clue why. He spent the majority of his time holed up in his room, or out, doing God knows what.