Daddy, please.

closed off

walking home after an incredible day back at work, I felt my mood dampen as my anxiety began to creep up on me. I felt the dread settle in the pit of my stomach at the thought of seeing Alex after the events that occurred during the previous day. my heart still ached and I knew that seeing him would only make the pain worse.

I wished things were simpler. I wished my feelings towards Alex weren't one sided and that for once, something would actually work in my favour. however, that was simply wishful thinking. what would there even be to like about me? nothing. I'm a disgrace and I need to accept that already but I can't bring myself to pop the small bubble of hope that's bursting inside me that maybe Alex does like me back.

I feel myself beginning to panic as I thought of the possible outcomes that could happen when I reached our home. he could have already packed all my things away and placed them in the yard, readily prepared for me to leave and never set foot in his presence ever again. he could confess his undying hatred towards me and spill all the hurtful feelings he has towards me and the burden I have placed upon him. I could walk in on him and that girl all over each other again and honestly, I'm not sure which of those things would be worse.

thinking realistically, my chaotic mind could just be overthinking things way to harshly and none of the options listened above may even be a real option. regardless of the possibility that everything may remain the same when I reach home, my mind wouldn't allow me to stop worrying.

the walk that should've only taken me twenty five minutes took me nearly fifty because I walked slowly and stopped to stare at the scenery around me to delay my arrival back at the house as much as possible.

as the space between the curb and the front door grew smaller, I debated quickly turning around and sleeping somewhere outside for the night. the thought of seeing Alex after avoiding him all day made bile rise in the back of my throat and my pulse drum rapidly against my veins.

that crazy idea was easily thrown out the window the moment the front door flew open and a very frantic looking Alex ran towards me in his socked feet.

"my god, I was so worried." he said before pulling me into a hug. my arms remained limp at my sides as the numb washed over my body and the anxiety I was feeling previously completely vanished. finally, no more pain. "are you okay? where were you?" he asked as he pulled away and the worry that he felt, or "felt", over me was evident on his face. the sight made my heart hammer slightly against my rib cage but I quickly reminded myself that he didn't care and could easily forget about me once again with just a simple kiss from that blonde girl.

"why do you care?" I asked in a monotone voice as I brushed past him, walking up the stairs and into the house.

"why wouldn't I care?" he asked, confusion laced within the husky notes of his voice. he walked in through the door and closed it behind himself, locking it like he always did. probably a habit he'd developed whilst living alone.

"thought you'd be too busy practicing your face sucking skills to notice my absence." I shrugged, making sure to keep my face a blank canvas as I walked into the kitchen, grabbing a water bottle from in the fridge. after taking a long swig of the refreshingly chilling water, I turned around to see that his face was a deep shade of red while mine remained it's normal pale colour.

"I can explain that." he said quickly, looking at me pleadingly and it was so hard for me to resist him, but I couldn't give in.

"nah, it's fine. you don't owe me anything, least of all an explanation. it's my fault for having false assumptions." I shrugged once again before turning to head in the direction of my room to hide away from everything and everyone for the rest of the night.