Daddy, please.

Yearning

Since that day, I've been a shell of myself. I haven't eaten, I haven't slept. I can't even think straight. Too much has happened lately and there hasn't been any time to stop and process it. It's just been one hurdle after another and I can't keep up. It's like I tripped over the first one and couldn't bring myself to get over the next few.

I don't know how to pick myself up from this one. Is there even a way to? So far, it's not looking like it. My chest is heavy, like it's been filled with water and thrown out to sea to sink aimlessly into the black pit of water.

I don't know where I'm supposed to go from here. People say there's no where to go but up, however I seem to be the exception. Over these past few days I've done nothing but fall further into the slump my depression had previously formed for me.

I'm just a mix of emotions thrown into one lifeless body. A part of me is happy, relieved even, that my father, the man who made my life hell for so long, was dead. He could no longer hurt me. But another part of me is hurt, broken, over the loss of the love that I'll never get back. He's gone. She's gone. Everybody's gone.

Alex is still here, a little voice in the back of my mind reminded me.

But for how long? He could still leave, he has every chance to tell me to get out of his life. He could kick me out and tell me he's done with the never ending spiral of drama that my life has become.

"Hally?" Alex called through the door in a gentle voice, but I couldn't find the will to answer. My strength left the minute I learned my fathers soul was no longer with us.

Seconds later the door was lightly pushed open and a concerned looking Alex stood in my doorway. Thankfully, he never looked at me with sympathy or pity. He only showed concern, which I was grateful for.

"Hally," he murmured, closing the door behind himself and striding towards my bed. I was currently curled up in my blanket with a pair of spandex shorts and a thin tank top on.

He kneeled on my bed and reached out for me. I easily climbed into his arms, forgetting the blanket that had been keeping my secret a secret.

I wrapped my arms around his waist while he wrapped his around my shoulders, tangling his long fingers in my hair.

We stayed like that for a while, and honesty, I wanted to stay like that forever. Being in his arms in that moment was the most serene I'd felt in a long time.

"Let's go somewhere." He murmured into my hair and I groaned in reply, making him laugh.

"Can't we just stay like this for a while?" I whined and felt him nod his head as he scooted us down on the bed to lay down.

"Okay, but after you have to shower and come with me without putting up a fight." He negotiated and I reluctantly gave in.

We laid there for at least an hour, him playing with my hair while I laid on his chest and drifted in and out of sleep.

"Cmon, time to move that ass." He teased, patting me on my butt. I squirmed on top of him and giggled quietly.

"Fine," I grumbled, crawling off him and standing up.

"Hally, what's that on your legs?" He asked slowly and I felt my stomach drop from my ass.

"Umm, bruises?" I asked uncertainly.

"Please tell me the truth, Hally." He said seriously. I kept my eyes glued to the ground, not wanting to look up and see the disgust that would surely show on his face. When I didn't reply, he continued. "Did you do this to yourself?" He asked in a small voice. I took small steps forward, needing to sit down. I played with my fingers as my eyes traced over the intricate display of blues, purples, and greens that lined my pale thighs.

The bruises hurt, they ached like hell, but the pain ensured me that I was real. I needed something to help me grasp onto reality, and sometimes the rubber band just wasn't enough.

I couldn't answer. I couldn't find my voice. I didn't even know what I was supposed to say to answer his question, so I remained silent.

"Please tell me you didn't do this to yourself, Hally." He pleaded, pulling my hand into his lap and holding it with his own.

"I-I can't." I whispered as the embarrassment and shame of being caught washed over me. I should've hid it better. Why did I let him see the bruises? Now he's gonna be watching me even more and maybe he'll even do body checks. God dammit, I'm so stupid.

In that moment I was so furious with myself for letting Alex found out what I'd been working so hard to hide. I wanted to lash out at myself and repeatedly punch myself. Something in the back of my mind encouraged me to do so, but with Alex right there, I couldn't. I pinched my thigh over and over again in a place I knew Alex couldn't see, until it felt like it was bleeding.

"Look at me. Please." He added the last part when he saw that I wasn't going to come out from behind the curtain provided by my hair.

I slowly turned my head towards him, but I cast my gaze down to my hand which was still being held in both of his. He raised his hand and I flinched back, immediately thinking the worst. I was waiting for the pain, but instead I felt a feather like touch caressing my cheek.

My eyes flickered to his and all I could see was his lovely hazel eyes. The green and brown flecks danced around his pupil, coming together to create a beautiful array of colours, and the most captivating eyes I'd ever seen.

"I'm here for you," he murmured before leaning in and kissing my forehead. "Always." He breathed out as he kissed my nose, and then both my cheeks.

My face broke into a smile that I had no way of hiding.

"Thank you," I whispered back, keeping my eyes closed.

If you didn't look too closely, Alex and I would've looked like a loving couple that were insanely in love. I pretended that the reason he was kissing me was because he loved me, but I knew it was only a friendly way of providing me reassurance.

I yearned for the simplicity of my thoughts to be the real occurrence, but I knew it was just wishful thinking.

I yearned to not be alone.