Northbound Pilgrimage III

Chapter XCIII - Without You

She wasn't sure how long she'd stayed there.

Her whole body was shivering and she didn't know if it was from the cold or from what was happening.

What was happening? She didn't understand anything.

Was it really true? Could all those horrible things really be true? It felt like a nightmare come to life and she desperately hoped it was just that. But the cruel feeling clenching her heart told her otherwise.

Was it really him in that burning building? She couldn't tell. He was...

Even the thought was too painful. A guttural scream left her lips, followed by desperate sobs.

This couldn't be true. How could this be true? How could this happen? How could the Gods allow something so horrible to happen?

She... recognized his hand. The hand that just a moment ago was stroking through her hair lovingly, warming her in the night. The rings symbolizing their love and affection. And all of that was... gone.

Dead.

That word rang in her head like a curse, unable to leave her. It was surreal.

This wasn't fair. None of it was fair. None of this was supposed to happen. She knew that the Brotherhood was this ever-present danger in their life and it felt so real. But it was never real. It never felt like this. It never felt like it would actually happen.

But it did.

How could this happen?!

How could anyone do something like this? Why would anyone take him from her? It wasn't fair! How could something so painful be fair?

How could she ever go on without him?

She let them get away. Those bastards. They should have suffered. She should have brought them so much pain for what they did, even though she would never be able to bring them as much pain as they brought her.

Everything hurt. How was it that every inch of her body was wrecked with mind-numbing pain? She wanted it to stop but it was just getting worse and worse by the second. Or minute. How long has it been? She couldn't tell.

What if the pain never stopped?

What if it was all like this forever?

Because... why would it stop?

He was never coming back.

This would never stop. He would never hold her again, he would never talk to her again, he would never be around.

Please, make it stop!

Why was this happening?!

She couldn't even see anything. She didn't know if her eyes were closed or not, but there was an image of the charred corpse in her head, permanently embedded in there. Only sometimes it alternated with the image of Bishop's severed hand.

That was all she had left of him? The images of his gruesome death? How was that fair? Why couldn't she think about his voice, his smile, his touch? Why did she have to keep thinking about this?

Maybe thinking about the things she loved would hurt even more though.

She couldn't stand this.

The air was heavy both with smoke and moisture. She didn't know if it was her tears that choked her or the smoke. Did it even matter? She wondered if Bishop was killed before they burned him or if they made him suffer the horrible pain.

Stop, stop, stop, stop! Please, make it stop!

How could he leave her?!

What am I going to do without you?