Going Back to Sin City

Sin City is Having a Negative Affect on Me

First day of school, Brendon was up early and ready. He had to get valedictorian. He had to get a scholarship. It was his only way out. If he just got back to Hawaii all the thoughts would go away. He would be okay. He needed to become one of the best students there were. Not one of the best but the best student. He looked at himself in the mirror. He recognized his face but his spirit was unrecognizable. September 7th, 2004, was the beginning of the end of this year-long hell. At least he could get a job and pay for the ticket back. That should keep the thoughts out of his head.

He skipped breakfast with his parents, but he made sure to kiss his mother on the cheek. He was trying to get into her good graces again. He loved her but hated her emotional neglect. She wouldn't have to worry about him for long. He walked down the street for a few blocks, then a familiar car drove up to him. "Need a ride?" Ryan rolled the window down. Not the guy he needed to see at the moment. He was trying rid of those thoughts not intensify them, but he didn't know where his school was. He couldn't be late on the first day. That wouldn't look right on his record. "Yeah, Thanks." He opened the car door and got in.

They hadn't talked since the morning after Brendon's binge night. The air was quiet. "I'm not gay also." Ryan broke the silence. "I just don't like dating in general." He kept his eyes on the road. He came off as shy like. That wasn't new, but it felt a bit intimate. "I don't do either gender. Not right now at least." Ryan grinned a bit. "Oh, I never thought you were a fag. You act so normal, I would have never thought that." Brendon lied to save himself from shame. Can't believe he tricked himself into thinking Ryan was gay. That's so stupid. Ryan looked at him with complete confusion. He did think that why fake that he didn't? "I mean I'm not straight don't get that twisted, letting things like that define you is so 1990s." Then it started creeping up Brendon's neck again, but the last part ended it. Letting things like that define you is so 1990s. Why even care about things like that? It's unimportant. Ryan's a decent guy, who drives a decent car.

Brendon could use that for his benefit. "Can you drive me to school again tomorrow?" He asked passing the place he turned for the bonfire. That night was strange, he'd wish to forget it, but it lingered on his skin like the smell of skunk "Sure, it's not like I have anyone else to pick up. Spencer and Brent take the bus, and they say they like the drama. School buses are hell. You would know." Ryan liked the company, but his friend group was falling apart. Brendon seemed like a cool person to have around. "What's it like to live in Hawaii?" Brendon was prepared for this question. It had been the number one question by everyone he met when he mentioned it. "It's hot, still not used to the weather here. I mean it's hotter over there, but you grow up and get used to it. Now it's slightly colder. I feel like in freezing when I go outside, and it's seventy degrees out."

"That explains the jacket then." Ryan chuckled, and the car stopped. They were in the parking lot of the school. It wasn't a grand high school, it seemed like your usual low economic high school. The government funding was going to all the Christian schools in the area, meaning scraps were left for the ugly public schools. "Thanks again for the ride, Brendon grabbed his backpack from the back seat. "It's no problem, you're my friend." The f-word again, Brendon appreciated the sincerity. He had better things to focus on than that though. He had to make up for some bad test scores and figure out if Pastor Milligan's short film about the dangers of homosexuality was correct or just huge bologna.

He did well on the SATs and the ACTs but not good enough. He passed enough that a college would look at his application long enough to not send it directly to the bin, but he needed more than that. The first few periods weren't bad, mind-numbingly boring but not bad. He was having trouble focusing. The only thing the Ritalin helped with was that he didn't like the drone feeling of being on it. If only there was a way to curb the drowsiness, but keep the benefit. He was able to make it through four classes. That was a record, maybe his Pastor was right it was all in his head. A demon possessing him. That's silly, that doesn't make any sense. He doubted the devil cared if he was paying attention in class or not. He had an underworld to run, or does he run the underworld? Pastor Miller never made up his mind if he did or not.

Brendon sat down during the fifth period. He was early, he skipped out on lunch completely. He walked in saw the food and walked out. He'd starve first. Seemed like someone else had the same idea. He got a closer look and it was Spencer. He looked calm and content, he wished he could be that content. Spencer seemed to have it easy, no homosexual thoughts to throw off the course of his life. He could just sit there with no one speaking and be fine. Brendon on the other hand wanted to claw his skin off. The quiet was killing him.

"Brendon! I didn't know you would be here?" Spencer's deep thought finally broke, there sitting was the awkward teenage boy his friend group adopted out of pure sympathy. "Same school, it's great." It wasn't great, he wanted to be in Hawaii for senior year, but none of this was great. If he just stayed in Hawaii none of this would be happening. Whatever he did that made God hate him, he wished he never did it. This was more than just losing your home, this was losing all your dignity.

Spencer had said something, but Brendon went back into his shell so quickly that it was unimportant. Class started, and kids started spilling in, Brendon had become antsy, but he had one more period before this was all over. For at least that day. He had one hundred and seventy-nine days to go. He'd survive, well that's if nothing in his head turned a switch on.

He hoped this whole gay thing was a product of Vegas because he surely couldn't like boys. That's insane, he was insane. Sin City air was polluting his mind, boys are gross, but they do look nice. With their nice hair, almost perfect faces..... He needed out of here and fast.