eilish tales - imagines!!

disappear

listen to 'not my responsibility' by billie while reading this !!

billies pov

"okay so layer those, and then ill do the vocals and then we can come back to it and start something else", i say to finneas. today is june 16th 2023. 

were in the studio making music, and to say i don't wanna be here is an understatement. 
i've always struggled with depression, but its never quite felt like this before. its really really hard to be alive. and i always told myself to be patient, but i really don't want to get better this time. 

making music does seem to help, and being with my brother definitely boosts my mood. but when it feels like your ready to disappear, and your days are starting to blend together, not much helps. 

"sure but do you wanna take a break for a bit? this song is a lot and we've been doing it for hours", finneas says. he can read me better than anyone else, and i know he knows im not doing good but we haven't really talked about it. i can tell hes going to bring it up soon. 

"uhh okay sure. lemme go piss real quick", i say. my stomach is aching from my period and the countless amount of coffee that finneas is trying to get me onto is making me need to pee. 

i grab my phone and go to the bathroom. when i sit down and take a second to breathe i immediately feel heavy. theres no notifications on my phone anymore. hes gone. and i know were still friends but its not the same. 

so much is happening that i cant control. i feel so chaotic and this time it feels like theres no way out. 

_

i finish up in the bathroom and walk upstairs to fill up my water bottle. i see claudia at the kitchen counter and i go up and hug her from behind. 

"hi mammaaaaa", i say. 

"oh hey bil i forgot u were here. u good?", she says. "yeah were just making a fucking heavy song so were taking a break", i say as i hold my hands on my stomach, filling up my bottle at the tap. 

"are you sure your okay?", she says. i hate when people ask that. im an honest person but i dont like admitting when my depression gets bad. its much easier to mask it with other...less damaging things. 

"yeah i just have really bad cramps", i say, turning around to push back the tears forming in my eyes. 
"oh nooo do you want some midol?", she says.
maybe that could numb more than just my stomach pain.

"that would be great actually thank you", i say as she hops up and grabs it from one of the drawers. she's known me since i was like 16, and has seen me in every state, so she definitely knows how bad my cramps can get. she goes to the living room and grabs the heat pack off the lounge and puts it in the microwave. 

"thank you so much", i say as i lean on the counter, holding my arms around my body tightly. 

"do you wanna talk about the song?" she says as i swallow the pills she handed me. 

"uhm i dont know. its just about like loving someone and like knowing they love you but then trying to show your love for them is hard, because you find it hard to do anything. it sounds dark..i mean it is. but yeah its just...i dont know", i say. im running out of words and my head is pounding.
im so tired i could sleep for days. 

"its not fictional this time is it?", claudia says. shes so emotionally intelligent it scares me sometimes. its rather hard to hold back the tsunami behind my eyes this time. i just let the tears fall. 

i cover my face as i cry. i dont let myself cry like this often. sometimes i cant stop it. 

claudia comes over and pulls me into a warm hug. she holds me for what feels like hours. the weight of my body has disappeared from my subconcious. 

i cant seem to think like i used to. i dont find joy in much. im not sure how to fix it this time. 

"it will get better one day even if you dont think it will", she whispers into my ear. "and even when you think your alone i will always be in the corner cheering you on. i love you so much billie", she says to me. 

finneas walks into the kitchen, pausing as he sees us. 

claudia pulls out of the hug and i meet eyes with finneas. we frown at eachother. words dont have to explain whats going on right now. in fact i dont think they could if i tried, because i actually dont know. 

finneas pulls me into a tight hug and holds my head against his chest. i hear claudia pull the heat pack out of the microwave and she puts it on the kitchen counter. 

"how about we stop for the night and grab some dinner and watch a movie", finneas says with his face buried in my hair as he sways me in his arms. i just nod into his chest. eventually i pull out of the hug and he holds my arms as he looks deep into my eyes. 

"you mean so much to me billie. we don't have to make this song if its too much.", he says. i think he feels guilty for asking me to be honest. we fought about it earlier this week because im struggling so hard to be honest. 

he leads me over to the couch and then goes back into the kitchen to bring the heat pack out to me. he places it on my stomach, and then grabs his phone and sits down next to me. 

they decide what to order for dinner and i just go along with it, not having the energy to give much input. 

once the food comes we start watching a movie, and i end up falling asleep on the couch. they let me sleep there. 

im so grateful for them. 

______

written from experience??