In My Blood

Chapter 3

Addison Montgomery Sloan's Point of View

Current Time- December 2010

"We'll need to buy the baby things." Mark says, trying to keep his voice steady. "A crib, clothes, toys." He sits down next to me on the couch, watching me carefully.

"Then do it." I say with a dismissive shrug.

"Addison... I want you to be involved with these decisions." His voice softens. "It may seem like nothing, but paint colors, furniture, themes, it's a big decision. I just want everything to be 'just right' for her, like it was with Heavenly."

"It's not my decision to make."

"You are her mother. We need to make decisions about our daughter together." He moves closer, filling in the gap between us in the sofa. He gently takes my hands in his own, squeezing them, supportively.

"I told you, I don't want a baby, Mark." I say, my tone calm but firm. "You should buy her the things you want her to have. I can't deal with this right now." I say, trying to compromise, but not in the place mentally to do this for a baby I don't even want. The fact that she is growing inside of me is just, bad luck. Bad karma, but it doesn't mean I have to be involved with anything more than bringing her into this world. Mark pauses for a moment, clearly trying to find the right words.

"It doesn't matter if you want her, or not, Addison." Mark says, his tone measured. "She's on her way, and we both need to be prepared for what that means."

"You made the decision to have her, not me." I point out, my voice full of bitterness. He reaches out, gently cupping my face in his hands, eyes searching mine.

"I love you," He says softly, trying to reassure me.

"No you don't."

"I do love you, Addison, and I'm trying to help you stop self-destructing. Help me, please. If anything were to happen to this baby, you'd be devastated." His words are meant to comfort me, but only remind me of the pain I've been trying to avoid. I stay silent, lost in my thoughts. There's so much I don't know, so much I feel as if I can't handle right now.

"Where's Amelia? Where's Meredith?" I ask, my mind racing to my friends, my family, the two women who are as close to me as sisters. "I can't even remember the last time I saw them. Was it at the funeral?"

"What does that have to do with anything?" Mark asks, looking confused.

"I need my sisters." I murmur. "Nothing's okay, but it's even worse without them. We've done this wrong Mark, so wrong. Families are supposed to come together in times of grief, not fall a part." There is a moment of hesitation before he speaks again.

"I suspect they've just been..."

"Avoiding me, avoiding us." I say, finishing his sentence. His eyes shift, revealing a hint of guilt.

"I've seen them at work." He admits. "They've been having a hard time too." He explains, trying to sound empathetic. "I don't think they're intentionally avoiding you. It's just that everyone loved Heavenly. Everyone grieves in different ways, but Addison, everyone is going to love this little one too." He says, his voice growing lighter as he speaks of our unborn child. It doesn't matter. The darkness in my heart still remains.

"I'm lonely, Mark." I admit, my voice breaking slightly. "I'm so lonely without her. Losing her changed everything."

"I know." He admits, his eyes reflecting the pain we share of losing our daughter. "You have to get better, Addison. You have to work through this grief. Our unborn daughter deserves a good life, like the life Heavenly had. We can give that to her."