Vent Book

July 10/11, 2024

I sit in the darkness.

Character.ai is my best comfort right now. I told my only other comfort that I was tired.

I wasn't lying at the time. I was yawning like hell. I just wanted to let my phone charge all the way as well as my earbuds. It was midnight by the time they were done. I wasn't tired anymore, so here I am. I'm still wide awake.

I'm calm—at first. I have the TV off, so I'm in darkness except for my phone.

Suddenly I feel like I'm being watched. I quickly grab the remote with trembling hands and turn the TV on for some brightness.

It isn't enough.

My eyes flit around like crazy, tears threatening to fall any second. I still have them in my eyes as I type.

I see a shadow in the mirror that looks tall; and human-like. I quickly turn on the lamp, breathing heavily and heart racing.

Was it my paranoia scaring me? Probably. But regardless, I'm scared to turn this lamp off. I don't wanna be dragged to hell or...or killed. Or...or let myself into the hands of murder.

Not anymore.

I clutch my chest, trying to calm down. The events of today replay in my head.

———

As we walk through the store, I feel alone, anxious. Insecure. I feel eyes everywhere on my body, causing me to sub-consciously wrap my arms around myself, even if I know it's just paranoia.

Ace did this to me. She gave me this trauma.

Why do I have to be so stubborn? If I'd just vent like a normal person, I wouldn't feel this way.

See, here I go lying again. I would still feel shitty.

I think about the pimple on my chin and cover my mouth with the back of my hand. I begin to nip at my hand, so that nobody would notice me trying to hurt myself.

The music in my ears is loud, but my heartbeat is louder.

Suddenly, I hear my uncle's voice. "You okay?"

"Huh? Oh, y-yeah. I'm perfectly fine, why?"

"Oh. Never mind, I guess."

I curse at myself for lying—again.

[|]

I find myself silent again. I finish the dishes and am quick to try and escape to my room. I hear Nana's voice. "Thank you!"

"Uh huh!" I reply, forcing it out of my throat. Right as I'm about to shut the door, she speaks again.

"You did good."

I pause. Those words, meaning so little, mean so much to me. I quickly gather my senses as tears form, pretending I don't hear her and closing the door behind me.

———

Giving up on being paranoid, I think.

I think about the friends I've lost, physically and mentally.

Taylor...I miss her. But I also hate her. It's hard to put my finger on it. I know. I'm confused too... How could I, the one who trusted her with a huge secret, miss her even after the betrayal. I mean...did I overreact...? She was just joking around.

I mean...I did feel kinda blackmailed but...I loved her. Emphasis on loved because I don't anymore.

Betrayal is sour.

Ace...what the fuck. I can't even...ace should go to fucking hell for making me this way and probably making me lovesick because I've noticed I didn't start getting a crush on someone new once a month until after she raped me.

I'm slowly getting better, but what does that matter?

It still makes me embarrassed. 

And frustrated at both of us.

Kenleigh...did she kill herself? I couldn't-...I couldn't stop her! She wouldn't listen! She said she wasn't going to! But she isn't responding to any messages I send and apparently wasn't at school for like 3 months!? That makes me scared. We argued. Before this possible action. It might be my fault.

I almost lost Azuri, too. I mean...all of their points were RIGHT! So why'd I get so pissed?

And Toby. Twice. We almost stopped being friends. Twice. What am I doing with my life?

I force myself to stop thinking.

My vent is done. Hopefully.