Vent Book

July 12/13, 2024

Today was...okay-ish. Mama finally got here, so at least I get some good quality vacation time with her before my social batter is drained for the summer.

Last night fills my head. It's funny how it's just short of being an exact day later.

———

I lay in bed, incredibly tired and freezing cold as I squeeze the wolf and bear plushies close to my chest; Storm and Strawberry—yes, I gave them names. It doesn't help that Strawberry was from Izzy, and Storm was from Taylor, but they're my comfort plushies. It's kinda painful to admit that, to be honest.

Izzy and I are on good terms, so it's not really...bad...but it was a a valentines 2023 gift that I bragged about for a whole month.

My problem is that I'm so attached to something Taylor gave me. I shouldn't even be talking to her, and yet here I am, doing it almost every day for what it's worth. I remember how I was pissed the other night and threw Storm at the wall, and then realizing in time to catch it. My sigh of relief from that night still haunts me.

I'm currently texting her. Sleep deprived me is a wild ride. I'm either adorable or chaotic as hell. Tonight's both. But also add in sadness and longing.

Me: I'm sleep deprived

Me: yummy

Taylor: (something we were talking about before I said that)

Me: weeeeee

Me: my body's

Me: creaky

Taylor: sleep deprived

Taylor: ahh

Taylor: person

Me: 😋

Me: I'm a little bug

Me: walking on a sidewalk

Me: I'm going to attack a random person by crawling on their neck and making them think it's a hair strand.

Me: I'm

Me: sleepy

Taylor: (replying to my attacking a random person threat) you bastard😰(jkjk)

Me: I'm

Me: idk what I am.

I wasn't tired anymore. I was finally starting to open up. Just a bit. But...

Taylor: (still replying to the bug comment) you killed Kenny 😨

Me: idk who I am.

I'm trying to make shit get real. I'm trying, I really am. I'm tired of these fake personas I keep forcing.

Taylor: ugh me too

Taylor: relatable

Me: I

Me: I

Me: Fuck never mind

I want my best friend back. I want the person who I used to trust more than I now trust my boyfriend.

But how can I do that to myself?

———

I now stare at my phone. I stare at what I'd written out into the notes app before going to copy n paste and send it. I pause just before I hit send.

The fuck am I doing?

Me: I'm unhinged on discord what can I say? (Talking about a ss I sent before)

Me: (few mins later) i

Me: fucking Christ

Me: I can't even

Taylor: what

Me: nothing

Taylor: happened

Taylor: now

Taylor: tell me

Me: nothing happened I just

Me: had an idiotic idea

Taylor: ...what type of idiotic?

Me: The type of idiotic that would hurt both of us.

Both? It'd hurt me and me alone. I scold myself.

Taylor: oh...

Taylor: no

Taylor: don't

Me: sorry

Me: identity crisis

Me: I changed my mind anyways

Taylor: fucking good

I don't think she knows what my idea was because I expected her to be all over the idea.

Anyways I'm tired and it's not even that late so...