Vent Book

July 09, 2024

I sit in my bed, trying to distract myself from the memories of my trauma clogging my brain.

This show is amazing but...I thought I was healed.

I...I thought Ace was finally out of my mind.

I thought I could handle the subject of rape. It's almost the start of school, for fucksake. I'm trying to be better.

I'm even trying to fix my sleep schedule. I wanna be better. I wanna be healed.

So why is it so hard?

Those thoughts cloud my mind. I get up to walk around my room, my heart pounding so hard that I can hear my heartbeat in my ears. My breath quickens.

Not again.

I can't have another panic attack.

Not again.

I bite my hand, my only way to properly SH without getting caught or leaving scars.

It hurts, but my thoughts hurt worse.

I feel hungry.

I stagger to my door, heart thrashing in my chest as I open the door. I slowly walk to the door leading to the stairs outside, opening it. I slowly walk down, then go into the main part of the beach house. I ignore my Nana, who's sitting on the couch reading. Walking into the kitchen, I slowly reach my hand up to pull the string that turns on the light.

My breath grows heavier. I slowly look around to see if we have paper bowls, before remembering that I used the last one last night. "That's fucking great..." I mumbled to myself, peering around the door frame to see if Nana heard me.

Instead, I grab four cookies, whipped cream, and a paper plate. I also make popcorn. Once I make my cookie sandwiches, I go back outside, ignoring the farewell of my nana, and walk back to my room. I have to pause halfway up the steps, my free hand tightly gripping the rail.

Tears form in my eyes.

I run back to my room and check my phone. My friend—or I guess ex friend—had sent me a message.

She says it was an accident and she meant to use Google but...I don't buy it.

How do I force myself not to eat

...

WHY DID I THINK THIS WAS FUCKING GOOGLE

Hold on what the fuck are you trying to do

Nothing

Don't bullshit me

I send that and instantly feel guilty.

Damn we became non-friends you said fuck the nice

Fuck I'm sorry haven't really been at my highest past few days

I'm not being entirely truthful.

I'm not sorry.

Am I horrible person? Yeah.

I know I am.