A Piece of My Mind

Can I be him?

 Can I be him?

 Can I keep the promise I made to the moon?

 I can only walk these same streets with a hood on my head, covering my face to a point I'm unrecognizable to the majority of humanity. I wear it like a gladiator wears its armor, but I replace the pride of the fighter with the shame of being a shell full of nothing. If the wind can cut, I must be bleeding all over the place, but I don't really mind, even half dead I would keep on walking, may the pain let me know I'm still alive, sometimes is hard to guess.

 I stumble at the place where we used to be. When the smell of grass reaches my nose, I instantly remember everything that we lived here; lying here for hours, talking nonsense, laughing at the clouds.. I used to blush at the thought that you actually wanted to be there with me and I would fear the thought you might want to leave, like you would be capable of that. The purest of the moments only enhanced by the white dots in the sky, I could swear they were smiling at us; now I lie here all alone. Where are you? Have you really found someone else?

 The thought of it makes my whole body stop, I feel my eyes widen up, as some imminent danger is right behind me, my palms start to become two small rivers, both so lost that I can't tell where they both start or end. I feel it in my chest, a block of ice is forming and it starts to beat and beat like it wants to create friction to melt the ice, but I don't think that's possible. I grit my teeth but my whole body shakes, not as one, but part by part, desynchronized as much as my whole being is. After all this time, the moon still shines and I still feel fear but the dots don't smile at us anymore because there are no more two of us. At the end of fear, I meet oblivion, and something drops from my eye without me even noticing, but you're smiling somewhere else, there are some days where that's enough from me, but it's never enough when the night comes.

 Does he count stars with you? Do you both agree on the number when you believe you laid your eyes on every single beautiful, happy star there is on the pitch black sky? Does the moon only shine for you when he's with you? Does he hold your hand dearly and warms your heart, letting you know without even saying a word that that's the safest place in the whole world?

 Can I be him?

 I'm crying, you're smiling.

 I'm sitting on the corner of my bathroom, lights out and knees to my chest with my head down, letting my elbows meet my legs; you're naked on top of him trying not to wake the neighbors.

 My sheets are cold and rough. Your sheets are warm and his shoulder feels like home.

 I don't wanna wake up. I want to keep living with my eyes closed and mind wandering like I do now, sleep is the only time I'm with you. You don't even want to rest, so you have more time to be with him.

 I lost track of time from being lost in my thoughts, somewhere far away from here. You lost track of time because he made you feel that way.

 Can I be him?

 Whenever I close my eyes, whenever I let smoke out of my mouth, whenever I get lost in the crowd, whenever someone calls me unexpectedly, all I can see is your face.

 I hope he buys you flowers. I hope he makes you laugh. I hope he makes you feel like the only person alive. I hope you don't look at the time when you're with him.

 I hope one day I find out why I can't be him. 



(i couldn't find the author of the photo I'm using as cover, if you're the artist please reach out to me so I can properly credit you!)